The Importance of Consistency in Parenting

Ask all of the disciplinary experts out there what the most important thing is in parenting, and you'll most likely get the same response: Being consistent. As the saying goes, "Consistency is key." And it truly is.

Consistency in the home allows a child to know what to expect. It shows a child just how far he can go and what the consequences will be if he chooses to cross the line. When there's consistency in the home, children see their parents as predictable and reliable. They know exactly how their parents will react in any situation because it's how they've always reacted. They don't wonder what the consequence will be because it's always the same consequence. For instance, if Ernie doesn't set the table, he won't be able to watch TV after dinner. If this rule is reinforced, Ernie will know what will happen if he doesn't set the table every night. 

When parents are inconsistent, their children will feel unsure, insecure and confused. Sometimes they may get punished when they don't make their bed, but other times they may not. Changing the rules or applying them erratically is not fair and definitely not an effective way for your kids to learn the rules. When parents are consistent, their child will think more about his behavior.

Remember the 3 Cs: calm, consistency and caring. Make them your daily mantra. 

How can you incorporate consistency in your home? Here are some great tips from the experts:

• Go slow. If you try to tackle everything at once, you'll be too overwhelmed to stick with it. So focus on just one or two discipline challenges with special diligence. Whether it's whining, backtalk or temper tantrums, be on top of the behavior every single time. Never give in and never reward your child for it.
• Give it time. Put yourself in your child's shoes. She's used to your not minding whether her bed is made every morning, but now you've added a consequence. It can be confusing for her at first, but no worries. Change can and will happen, just not always at the pace you'd like.
• Remind yourself. Leave yourself notes such as "Don't argue" or "Don't give in to whining." It may seem silly, but it can really help. Put them where you'll see them during your day. 
• Time it right. Don’t attempt a crash course in manners right before a birthday party or the start of school. You'll have better success if you choose a time that's more stable and predictable. Everyone needs time, structure and no extra stress to practice consistency—especially you. 
• Expect resistance. No matter how consistent you are, your child will challenge you. Or he may respond well right away, only to fall back into old habits. Don't worry, though. This is normal. Once you accept these temporary regressions, they'll be less frustrating, allowing you to stay on track.
• Don't try to go it alone. Once you commit to a consistency plan, you’ll need backup. Your partner needs to be on track with the plan, as do any caregivers. You also may solicit your child’s grandparents, coaches and teachers to help reinforce your efforts to stop problem behaviors.
• Be careful with wiggle room. Accidental inconsistency (when you're too busy or preoccupied to enforce a rule) sends the message that it isn't important to you, which encourages your child to ignore it too. But intentional inconsistency (when you let your child know in advance that you choose to make an exception) actually can strengthen a rule. For instance: "Since you'll be with Grandma Jill this week, you can skip cleaning your room until next week."

Remember, being consistent means working together with your partner as a team. Talk with each other about your parenting styles and come up with a plan you both will support. The simpler, the better. Don’t allow room for confusion or inconsistency. Write down your plan so you have it in front of you at all times. Try making a list answering the following questions:

• What time is bedtime?
• What time is bath/shower time?
• What time is homework time?
• What are the rewards?
• What are the consequences?

Once you have these written down on a piece of paper, don’t run immediately to your children and tell them the new household rules. It’s a mistake to make a big announcement and then not follow through. Instead, begin implementing them. When you do this, expect resistance. Younger children may have tantrums, and older children may argue and slam doors. Though it may not seem like it, your new techniques are working. Your child may push back, but keep to your plan. Once you’ve instituted the new laws in your home, then you may sit down and talk with your children about the changes. 

In addition to the list of household rules, creating a list of rules for situations when you’re out in public is a good idea. Keep the list somewhere handy, such as on your smart phone. 

Being consistent is difficult in today’s world of distractions; however, it’s not impossible. Start each day vowing to be consistent. Read through your list first thing in the morning and establish a signal between you and your partner for when you notice you’re not being consistent. (For example, if he sees inconsistency in you, he can touch the tip of his nose or tug on his earlobe.) 

Kansas City mom and author Gina Klein knows the struggle to stay consistent is real. She and her husband struggle at times, but gentle reminders to work together on it make it a lot easier for the entire family.