Five Things to Say (and Not Say) to Your Child

“Sarah, would you mind emptying the dishwasher for me sometime today? It really needs to be done, okay?” Mom says.

Without looking up from her book, Sarah twirls a strand of hair and mumbles, “Mmmhmm.”

Wait, what just happened? Does Sarah’s mom actually want Sarah to empty the dishwasher today, or is she giving her the option to empty it today? Did Sarah’s mumble mean that she would empty it or not? Did Sarah really hear her mom? These are all very good questions. How you speak to your child makes all the difference. If you want him truly to listen and do as he’s told, a more direct approach is needed than what Sarah’s mom displayed. Here are five things to say (and not say) to your child to be sure he hears you and understands what is being asked.

Don’t: When a negative response isn’t an option, don’t ask your child leading questions such as, “Will you please clean the bathroom?” or “I need you to clean the bathroom sometime today, okay?” No parent wants her child to respond by saying no, so why leave the door open for it?

Be direct and say, “Clean the bathroom, please.”

Don’t: Ramble on and explain why you need him to put his clothes away. “Eric, will you please put your clothes away today? I’m so tired of them lying on your floor. Your room is a disaster! I can’t stand looking at the mess anymore!” The more you talk, the less he hears.

Be brief and use the one-sentence rule. Talk longer than that, and your words will go in one ear and out the other. “Eric, please put your clothes away.” Then, have him repeat your request back to you. If he can’t, then your request was way too long.

Don’t: Use threats such as, “You’d better clean that bathroom” or “If that room isn’t cleaned right now…” Threats are likely to create a defensive child, as are “you” messages such as, “You need to clean the bathroom.”

Use “I” messages such as, “I would like you to clean the bathroom” or “I need to you clean the bathroom right now,” instead of threats.

Don’t: Constantly remind your child about what you want her to do. Constant nagging doesn’t go over well, especially with tweens and teens. Plus, reminding teaches them they don’t have to follow through the first time.

Do: Communicate without saying another word. Instead of constant nagging, write down what you want him to do. Leave fun and humorous notes around the house where your child will see them. This will create more smiles than complaints, and chores just might become a little more fun around your home.

Don’t: Shout orders across the house, walk through a room rambling what you expect your child to do or text it to her.

Do: Connect with your child. If you want her to be present and attentive to your requests, you must be present too. Make sure your posture is open and loving, then walk over to her (within a few feet) and make eye contact. Be sure to open your request by saying her name: “Kathy, I need you to …” This will let her know you have something important to say.

            We parents easily get caught in the trap of explaining, reminding and arguing with our children. When a child is informed of what chores need to be done, he naturally may want to argue. When you argue with your child, you reinforce that arguing is an acceptable response to your instruction and expectation. Instead, using a non-threatening tone, simply inform him of the consequence that will happen should the expectation not be met and then leave the room.

            Parenting is tough, and knowing how to speak to a child to get the outcome you desire is tricky. However, with these tools in hand, you’re on your way to achieving your goal, and your child will be learning from you.

Kansas City mom and author Gina Klein loves discovering new ways to talk to and work with her tween and teen daughters in order to get things done and keep arguments at bay.