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Helping Kids Cool Down

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Everyone has to deal with feelings of anger and frustration at times. While these feelings are normal, kids have to learn how to deal appropriately with them. Parents and kids can work as a team to come up with strategies for these situations.

“Unfortunately, many kids have never been given the opportunity to think of those other ways to calm down. They keep getting into trouble because the only behaviors they know are inappropriate ways to express their anger,” says Parents.com. Working together to prepare a plan in advance will help children learn how to calm down and discuss why the feelings occurred. “Once the child chooses his ‘calm down’ technique, encourage him to use the same strategy each time he starts to get angry,” the website continues. Here are some techniques for each age group.

The Toddler Years (ages 0-2)

Prepare: Observe what calms your child. Is it snuggling up with a parent? What toys does he play with quietly? Make note of what is calming for your child and use these activities later when the child is upset.

 

Act: Children of this age do not understand their feelings. When the child becomes frustrated and angry, use one calming technique you observed. Sing a song, snuggle up with a book, get out a new toy or start a new activity. Remain calm yourself and use a soothing voice while speaking to the child. 

Discuss: Think about what caused the child’s anger and discuss with other caregivers what may be common frustrations for your child. If a toy is causing the child to become angry, simply remove it. If the child was overtired or hungry, adjust meals and bedtime. During the toddler years, tantrums are normal and may happen frequently. Try to remember this is one of the ways toddlers are able to communicate their feelings. Be patient and know that this stage will pass as the child matures and his vocabulary develops.

The Preschool Years (ages 3-5)

Prepare: On a calm day, talk with your preschooler about different types of feelings, giving names to them. Some parents find a chart or photos helpful when explaining. Discuss appropriate behavior for when a person is angry and talk about actions to help your child calm down. Calming suggestions for preschoolers may include drawing a picture, playing with cars, doing a simple puzzle, singing and dancing to music, running, jumping or sharing hugs. Sherrie Hoffman, Hiawatha, KS, says “With my 5-year-old, slow deep breaths help. Then, when he can talk, we discuss what has upset him.” 

Act: When feelings of anger begin, ask your child in a calm voice to try one of the techniques discussed earlier. Remind her you will talk about it when she is calm. Do not feed into her actions unless she is working on becoming calm.

Discuss: Later, ask the child to share why she became angry and come up with ideas of how to handle the situation in the future. Remind her feeling angry at times is normal and let her know you are proud of the way she used the techniques to calm down. 

The School Years (ages 6-11)

Prepare: Discuss common triggers for your child and come up with a plan of how to handle them. Talk about the difference between appropriate and inappropriate anger. As with preschoolers, come up with a technique that helps calm the child and plan to use it when needed. Ideas for this age group include going to their bedroom and listening to their favorite music, kicking a soccer ball, swinging on the swing set or screaming into a pillow.

Act: When the child becomes angry, calmly let him know you see he is upset and would like to talk about it when he is calm. “We don’t talk about a problem until they are calm, and if they get worked up while explaining what is wrong, then we take deep breaths until they are calm again,” says Rachael Kennedy, Overland Park mother of five.

Discuss: When the child has calmed down, listen to his frustrations. Let your child know feeling angry is okay and praise him for handling it well. Ask what could have been different and come up with solutions as a team.

The Teen Years (ages 12 years and up)

Prepare: At this age, the child may be aware of what sets her off—and so may the parent. Try to problem-solve how to avoid or deal with situations that make her angry. Come up with ways she can calm down on her own. Ideas for this age include taking a walk, tidying up her room, listening to music, journaling, taking a shower or bath or calling a friend to vent.

Act: Calmly mention that you see she is angry and ask her to please take a break from the situation until she can calm down. Give her space—unless she wants to talk—and be patient. If appropriate, leave her alone in the house to calm down.

Discuss: Later, after everyone is ready, discuss what happened. Problem-solve what a solution could be now or in the future. Come to a compromise about what could be different and ask her for as much input as possible.

The goal of these techniques is to teach kids that all feelings are normal, even anger. Teaching these techniques gives kids the tools they need to deal with anger in an appropriate way and teaches them how to use problem solving to work through a frustrating situation.

Tips to Help Parents Cool Down

It is no secret our behavior as parents affects our kids. How a parent deals with feelings of anger can have a huge impact on how our children will react when they feel angry. Here are some tips to model appropriate behavior when those feelings occur:

Sarah Lyons lives and writes from her home in Olathe. 

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