Getting Your Teen and Tween to Talk

Remember those toddler and preschool days when your child began talking your ear off and asking questions nonstop? Or the days when you wished you had earplugs in order to get a few minutes of peace and quiet? Now, as a parent to a tween or pretween, you probably wish you had a little bit of that back. Right?

Somewhere during the elementary school years, our children begin to talk less, and those who were already quiet to begin with may become complete introverts. Why? Because the pretween and tween years, like all of the earlier years, come with stages. This is the stage in your child’s life when talking to Mom or Dad might be the last thing on her mind. The good news is there are strategies to get your child talking again, and the more they get used to it, the more natural it will become.

When your child is 8 or older, listen for their conversation openers. When you hear one, drop everything you’re doing and respond. It’s hard to do sometimes, but experts say it’s a very important step in letting your child know that he can count on you to talk when he needs you. Teens who feel that other things are more important to their parents tend to look elsewhere when they’re emotionally needy.

Olathe mom Torie Clarke says if you start early, you’re off to a good start. “From my perspective, you start talking to your kids when they’re newborn about everything and anything. Start early, and you’re good to go. Both of my teens talk to me a lot,” she says.

Ask nonjudgmental questions. Ask questions such as “Who did you sit with at lunch today?” or “What was the best thing about school today?” Avoid the “Why?” questions, which make kids defensive. Instead of “Why are you wearing that?” ask “What do you think your friends will wear to the game tonight?”

Don’t give immediate solutions or advice. Your child needs a chance to vent and figure out his own solutions. This is how he develops confidence and competence. By jumping in with your own solutions, you make him feel incompetent. As a parent, it’s hard, but by helping him brainstorm solutions instead, you’ll be more useful for talking to and he will much more likely seek you out when he has a problem.

“I’ve always been super open about everything – appropriate information at appropriate ages – but I never really allowed the drama,” Clarke says. “If one of my daughters would throw a hissy fit about something, I’d listen for a while, but I’d tell her to go to her room until she could talk to me. And then we could find a solution together. Let them vent; then get rational. It works every time.”

Connect with your child alone every day. And do this with each one of your children! Whether you’re hanging out on the couch snuggling and sharing about your day or sitting at the kitchen table sipping hot cocoa be sure to chat. Don’t expect your son or daughter to invite closeness and personal topics each time you’re together. But with regular time together like this, it will happen.

For Liberty stepmom Reagan Tesar, getting her tween stepson to open up to her hasn’t always been easy, but opening up to his father has never been a problem.

“My stepson, Joe, has always been quiet and reserved. He’s always talked more to his dad than to me since I’m the stepmom, but lately he’s really opened up to me,” she says. “He used to have times where he was very quiet. We learned he had a conflict between liking me and hurting his mom. He was afraid that if he liked me, he’d upset his mom. He never wanted to discuss it with me around, so I would either leave to run errands or encourage my husband to take him out for father-son time so they could talk openly.”

Whether it’s father-son, father-daughter, mother-son or mother-daughter time, be sure to take advantage of this “special time” together often. Dad might take his daughter to lunch on Saturdays or play basketball with his son every Wednesday. Mom might spend her special time with her son during drives to band practice in the evenings or take her daughter out shopping every Sunday. Whatever the “special time” might be, make sure you do this with each child individually. It’s one-on-one times like these when your children look forward to bringing up what might be bothering them.

Stay available. Young children have no trouble talking, so try asking questions while in the car together or while they’re working on an art project or building a block tower. In fact, join in on the fun! Add blocks to the tower or color in the coloring book with them. This creates more connection and more likelihood they’ll open up to you. With older kids, nothing will make them clam up faster than pressing them to talk. Just being there in proximity will help, as will stating your availability. “I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me” or “I’m running to the store, but please call my cell phone if you need me.”

“Have patience and don't give up. It's been a long road, but Joe and I have a really good relationship now,” Tesar says. “I let him know that I'm just another person in his life to love him and be there for him. Time truly does make it all better.”

Kansas City mom Gina Klein is a writer and photographer who is blessed with two little girls and hopes that they’ll always feel comfortable confiding in her.