How to Foster Independent Play

As parents, we strive to do what’s best for our children. We find creative ways to help our kids tolerate vegetables, establish predictable bedtime routines and make sure they say please and thank you. Sometimes, fostering independence, particularly in play, can seem like just one more to-do that falls by the wayside. But the benefits for both parent and child are so pronounced, one could argue independent play should be up there at the top of every mom and dad’s agenda. The good news? Building this skillset is not so much about doing more for our kids but, rather, doing less. Here are some major dos and don’ts of fostering independent play.

Do: Give Your Child the Time to Be Creative

Don’t: Overschedule Your Child’s Day with Extracurricular Activities

Basketball, gymnastics and Math Counts—oh, my! With so many fabulous extracurriculars vying for our children’s attention—along with our deep-seated desire to see them find their talents and build them early—we can easily overschedule our days and weeks. Add siblings to the mix and you have a recipe for exhausted, crabby and overstimulated children and parents. All too often, sports, music and other activities are pushed as purely positive experiences. But as a family, intentionally evaluate the cost that comes with each one. Hint: It’s not just financial! Every evening practice that takes away time from a family dinner or the mounting stress of shuffling from one extracurricular to the next can pile on a family, crushing everyone with anxiety and exhaustion. But how will a child develop his prodigy skill set, you may wonder? And what about socialization? Parents must remember that gifts and talents oftentimes showcase themselves as a result of time that a child has to cultivate a skill, not just because he has a 30-minute weekly session. Likewise, although friendships can sprout through meeting in a class, they flourish organically when kids have free time to spend together.

Do: Give Your Child Tools for How to Spend Free Time

Don’t: Default to Screen Time with Every Plight of Boredom

Congrats! You are no longer running the rat race. You have struck a healthy balance of structured activities and free time. But now you face a new challenge. Every time your children are bored, they follow you around with endless complaints: “Mom! There’s nothing to do!” Be vigilant to give them tools before technology. Because of the accessibility of screens, whether it be smart phones, tablets or TVs, kids have an endless stream of digital saccharine at their disposal. Pacifying boredom on a device is no substitute for the fabulous connections that take place when kids push through that boredom. A 2018 National Institutes for Health study found that children who spent more than two hours a day on screens had poorer verbal and thinking skills than those who didn’t, and more than seven hours of screen time a day went so far as to thin the brain’s cortex (the brain’s reasoning and critical thinking hub). So what’s a parent to do? Look to use media time in a way that supports your family values. Here are some examples:

1. Focus on shared screen time that builds memories together (think family movie nights) instead of isolated usage.
2. Establish screen-free zones, like bedrooms or other solitary places, and screen-free times such as meals, short car rides and bedtime. Also, take periodic screen fasts as a family, perhaps once a week, one week a month or even a month each year to recalibrate everyone’s habits.
3. Practice what you preach. Don’t expect of your children what you aren’t willing to do yourself. Put timers on your devices to limit excessive usage and put your phone away outside of designated times to avoid mindless scrolling.
4. Be choosy. There are far too many good options out there to waste time with bad ones. Resources like Common Sense Media and Plugged In give parents reviews about apps, games, movies and TV show content so they can make informed decisions about what’s acceptable and what’s not.
5. Use tech as a tool instead of a time-waster. Technology is amoral—it’s all in how you use it. Focus on using it to create and do things instead of using it to idly watch others do things. Invest in a stop-motion kit to make Claymation or Lego movies or give your kids your outdated camcorder devices, so they can produce their own backyard film.

Do: Allow a Mess Every Once in a While

Don’t: Hyper-Regulate How Creative Play Pans Out

My artistically-inclined firstborn has never enjoyed premade art kits. Why? Because they tell him exactly what to do and don’t leave license for creativity, he tells me. I totally get it. A lot of what falls under the guise of arts and crafts these days is more a copy-and-paste exercise than free-flowing practice. Kids need to be able to enjoy the process as much as the product, and by doing so, they gain valuable skills in decision making and trouble shooting. Likewise, know that with creativity comes a little mess and learn to be okay with it. Reserve a set of stained clothes as a uniform for creative play. Block off a quadrant of the backyard for making mud puddles and mud pies. Let kids build forts in the backyard and stay outside so long that they freckle. Time outdoors, freedom to make a mess and few limits in how they play creatively all go a long way in developing children who not only play independently but also grow in general self-sufficiency.

Do: Make Chores a Game

Don’t: Avoid Responsibility in the Name of Fun

Some of Westport resident McKenzie Davidson’s favorite childhood memories include painting her house, sans paint. Only a bucket of water and a clean paintbrush were necessary.

“All I really did was get the siding wet,” Davidson recalls. “But it felt like I was doing something really important, and it kept me busy for a very long time!” She and her husband, Brad, now work in real estate, flipping old homes. Coincidence or not—who’s to say?

Mary Poppins isn’t the only one who can make cleaning a game. Kids can plant their own garden row and then “dig for buried treasure” (pick root vegetables) when it’s harvest time. Or encourage your children who are middle school age or older to rearrange their rooms and then walk the family through the completed space as though they were hosting an HGTV show. In the process, everything gets cleaned up, and they feel empowered about their newly arranged digs.

Olathe mom and freelancer Lauren Greenlee’s favorite forms of independent play as a child were making her own form of the Dewey Decimal System for her growing collection of books and developing her professional organizing skills by cleaning her messy friends’ rooms.