Introvert or Extrovert: How to Know the Difference in Your Child

You make it a point to be an expert on your children, staying on top of their favorite foods (and the ones they won't touch), which teacher they like, which classmate they don't, which pastimes bore and which ones they adore. You try your best to understand what motivates them to succeed and what deflates their self-esteem, but like most parents you are probably unaware of a key predictor of your children's preferences and behavior - where they fall on the introversion/extroversion continuum.

"Introversion and extroversion are aspects of temperament and are important to take into consideration as parents," says Beth Wilson Saavedra, author of Creating Balance in Your Child's Life (Contemporary Books, 1999) . " These differences are not simply personality traits, but instead describe a child's response to others, to himself and to the world via the brain and nervous system circuitry."

A Tale of Two Nervous Systems

We've come to think of "introverted" and "extroverted" as synonymous with "shy" and "outgoing," but research tells us the differences between introverts and extroverts run much deeper. In fact, researchers say, what we're really talking about is two different nervous systems.

Blood Flow to the Brain - Scans have shown that introverts have more blood flowing to their brains than extroverts, indicating they experience more internal stimulation. Introverts' blood travels to areas in the front of the brain associated with inhibition and planning, while extroverts' blood takes a shorter pathway to the back of the brain where we soak up outside stimuli. Most introverts do enjoy other people, but because they already have a lot going on internally, socializing is draining for them. They recharge their batteries with solitude. Extroverts, on the other hand, require more stimulation to keep their nervous systems balanced. They energize themselves by being around other people.

Neurotransmitter Pathways - We all rely on chemicals called neurotransmitters to carry nerve impulses from cell to cell, but which neurotransmitters we use varies between introverts and extroverts. Introverts' impulses amble down the longer, more complicated acetylcholine pathway. Extroverts travel a straight shot on the shorter dopamine pathway. Can you guess who has faster reaction times? Extroverts are wired for action and perform better on the spot. They think and talk at the same time, which comes in handy in the classroom. Introverts are wired to pause and reflect. They are better at culling meaning from a situation. They think before they speak, which slows their response times when answering a question from a teacher or anyone else.

Nervous System Dominance - Besides using different neurotransmitter pathways, introverts and extroverts operate from opposite sides of the autonomic nervous system. The "rev-you-up" sympathetic nervous system pushes our extroverts through life at a fairly fast clip, while the "calm-you-down" parasympathetic nervous system keeps our introverts chugging along at a slower, steadier pace. Many introverts eat, speak and move more slowly than their extroverted peers.

These differences in blood flow, neurotransmitters and nervous system dominance add up to differences in how introverted and extroverted children energize themselves, respond to stimulation and how they process information and communicate.

School Days

Your introvert is outnumbered three to one by extroverts and although more and more teachers are accepting of individual learning styles, the typical American classroom remains a largely extroverted experience. Common pitfalls for the introvert in the classroom include answering questions on the spot, speaking in front of the class, dealing with interruptions, shifting from topic to topic, working in groups and being expected to do it all quickly .

Preparation is the lifejacket of many an introvert thrown into the rushing waters of the school day. Prepare your student for whatever you can and teach him to say, "Let me think about it," when confronted with the unexpected. Let your introvert's teacher know that although your child is intelligent (introverts make up 70 percent of the gifted population), he processes information in such a way that he may have trouble verbalizing a concept right away or understanding instructions on the first try. After all, not only must he travel the long acetylcholine pathway to access information, he also has a slower auditory track than an extrovert.

Your extrovert is in her element at school. Simply being around other children is energizing to her. Answers are at the tip of her tongue as she accesses information quickly from her short-term memory and swiftly draws conclusions based on external past events in the back of the brain. However, the speed with which she processes the outside world may cause her to arrive at an idea based on only a small amount of information. You might notice that she spits out an answer whether it's correct or not. You can help by teaching her to pause and reflect before speaking or writing her answer. This will allow her time to connect the dots and grasp the underlying meaning of a topic.

When it comes to homework, let your extrovert work in the kitchen or other public space in the house. She will need you nearby for feedback, since extroverts think by talking. She may need you to ask questions or make suggestions to help her talk a problem through.

The Bottom Line

"To each his own," says Jim Persinger, Ph.D., director of the school psychology program at Emporia State University. "Helping your children discover their own learning style will enable them to utilize it as best they can in the school setting. Allow your child to explore their own preferred method of studying and they'll find their niche. You may not be able to read or study while listening to music, but maybe your son focuses better with the buds of his MP3 player stuck in his ears! Your daughter may do her schoolwork best while lying on pillows on the floor in a quiet room, while your son may sit at a desk and read while keeping his chair delicately balanced, on the verge of falling over backwards. Let them structure their study space themselves, and so long as you hold them accountable by reviewing their homework with them as needed, your children's bodies will inform them pretty well as to what they need to learn efficiently."

Extracurriculars

Your introvert will likely fare better at individual sports or activities (e.g., swimming, diving, martial arts, gymnastics, photography, music lessons) than at team sports like soccer, football, volleyball, basketball or hockey. However, competing individually for a team (as a swimmer does on a swim team) is a wonderful way for an introvert to experience camaraderie and contribute to a group effort. But don't forget, a fully packed schedule equals a cranky introvert. Be selective and sparing when deciding on extracurriculars with your introvert.

Your extrovert is likely to prefer sports and activities with plenty of interaction between participants. You may want her to learn to play the piano, but be aware that time spent on this rather solitary activity won't cut it in terms of filling her need for interaction. Let her choose at least one club or sport where she can mix it up with her peers. Scouts, service groups or church groups or any kind of team sport will fill the bill. And even though your extrovert is wired to go further and faster than an introvert, insist on at least some down time, for her sake and yours.

The Bottom Line

"The best approach is to give your children unstructured time and observe how they spend it," says Persinger. "Having noted their preferred activities, you can help them pick activities which, socially, are most like the things they are naturally inclined to do. If you connect the new activity to the things your child already does when given unstructured time, you can't go wrong!"

Social Circles

Your introvert will get to know another child well before considering him a friend and will likely have a smaller circle of friends than an extrovert. He may talk your ear off about a favorite subject such as dinosaur breeds or the solar system, only to surprise you by clamming up as soon as he's injected into a social situation. Introverts don't enjoy casual chit-chat like extroverts do, but you can teach your introvert to connect with others through his own interests.

Remember that although introverts do enjoy other people, they must spend energy to be around them. You can help your child by having him rest up before a party or other get-together.

Your extrovert is more likely to see everyone as a friend and have a wider social circle. Talking is fun for her - the topic of conversation is often secondary and interruptions don't bother her like they do an introvert. In fact, she receives chemical jolts of pleasure from fast-paced banter and jumping from topic to topic. Parents of extroverts are often amazed at their ability to rattle off rhetoric on most any subject - even those they know nothing about!

Because she is externally focused, your extrovert is more vulnerable to peer pressure than an introvert. She may need help defining herself and her values apart from the group. However, an extrovert's need for feedback can sometimes be mistaken for low self-esteem, when in fact, it's just part of her thinking-out-loud process.

The Bottom Line

"It's enough to give your children the opportunity to decide when they want to be social and when they want to withdraw," says Persinger, "and send the message that you accept that it's simply part of who they are. An example would be recognizing that perhaps your daughter needs her space and rather than her withdrawal being a rejection of friends or family members, it's simply what she needs to calm the waters and re-energize herself; or that your son really needs social interaction at times in order to stay on an even keel - to maintain equilibrium. When an extrovert or introvert isn't getting what they need, it's as easy as leaving them to their own devices and they'll correct the situation themselves. So stand back and give your children space and they'll show you what they need!"

Laura Leigh Brooks is a freelance writer who makes her home in Norton, Kansas.