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Losing a Pet

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As parents, we want to protect our children from hurt, be it emotional pain or physical. When our families face a loss, watching our children suffer can be overwhelming and can cause parents to feel helpless. Often the first loss a child experiences is the loss of a pet. While there is no way for a parent to take the pain away completely, having some idea of what to expect and how to respond to your child’s feelings can make the stressful time a bit easier. There are things we can do as parents to help make the grieving process a little easier on the whole family. 

“When we put our cat to sleep, my son was so upset. It was hard on all of us, and I hated watching him cry, knowing there was nothing that would fix it,” Crystal Plummer, Kansas City, KS, mom says. “When it came time to say good-bye to our dog, I called our pediatrician and got some tips. I felt a bit more prepared and it was easier to guide the kids through the whole experience.” 

A lot of people do not realize the impact death can have on a child. “I wasn't prepared for the wave of emotions my oldest daughter and I felt days afterward,” says Katy Lautzenhiser, Lee’s Summit mom. “Growing up on a cattle ranch in rural Nebraska, we had dozens of farm dogs that met their end under a tractor or by a passing motorist on the nearby highway. I was always sad when our pets passed, but I had never had an indoor pet. And never had I experienced the unconditional love from a pet like Skippy provided. It was as if I had lost a child, and my heart ached for weeks. My oldest and I swore we could hear the jingling of her tags through the house, days afterward. My daughters, who had known Skippy since the day they were born, were heartbroken and confused.”

While children may grieve for a shorter period of time, it can be just as intense as the grief felt by adults. As with many new experiences, children often repeat their thoughts and feelings about death. It can be less unsettling for family and family friends if they are prepared to have patience with the child as he speaks repeatedly about the loss and his feelings. “When my daughter told the guy at the grocery checkout that her goldfish was dead, I was so embarrassed. I just hoped the guy didn’t think we killed the fish!” says Jessica Garcia, Olathe mom. “I had to remind myself that talking about it often was part of her process. And, oh boy, she talked about it often.” 

Metro moms have weighed in and here are their tips and advice for parents who are working to help a child cope with the loss of a pet:

Make sure your children know it is okay to grieve. Avoid telling them things like “Don’t be sad.” If they are sad, allow them to feel sad. Let them know any emotion is okay, even anger. This will prevent the added guilt and confusion of being told their feelings are wrong.

Share the news. If your child has a teacher, babysitter or favorite neighbor with whom he spends a lot of time, make sure he or she knows about the pet’s passing. This will keep uncomfortable moments to a minimum and give your child a wider support network.

Speak honestly. Make sure your child understands that death is permanent. If you use terms like “put to sleep,” your child may expect the pet to wake up or may start to fear going to sleep at night. If the pet was sick, explain the kind of sickness. This keeps the child from being afraid of catching a cold or thinking you might die if you get sick.

If your child is struggling to deal with the death of your pet, getting some outside assistance may be helpful. Consult your pediatrician or your family veterinarian for some ideas. You also may ask for a referral to a family counselor. Here are some signs that a child may need additional resources:

    Melissa Bellach is a freelance writer and mother of two living in Overland Park.

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