Making Mom Friends

Do you feel stuck in a hyperactive cycle of activities and draining relationships? Time to sweep out what isn’t working and usher in a fresh start. Carefully consider your priorities to create space for more fulfilling, satisfying friendships and a happier life.

Many moms feel guilty about taking time for themselves. But studies find that time spent with friends is good for your health, creating a buffer from disease, stress, anxiety and depression. And, when you feel good, your family benefits.

“Taking care of yourself, setting a new direction for yourself, acknowledging your own preferences and friends and activities––that’s all within our moral values,” says M.K. Mueller, Prairie Village, an international trainer and author of Taking Care of Me: The Habits of Happiness.

• Join a mother’s group. Your sense of self-worth and sense of belonging increases when you are part of a group of supportive friends.
• Call an old friend. Yes, you are loved! Reconnecting helps you rebuild your confidence as you head out to meet new moms.
• Send an email. Is there a mom you’d like to know better? Arrange a time to get your kids together for a play date at the park or the mall play area.
• Let go of what’s not working. “There’s a natural ebb and flow of relationships in and out of our lives,” Mueller says. Priorities and lifestyles change, as do friendships.
• Wrangle back control of your calendar. “There has to be a balance, and it has to be found, or the whole family will suffer,” says Chris, a mom of three in Olathe. “We can’t just fill our lives with busy. We need to say no sometimes!”
• Schedule personal time. You can’t take care of others if you feel depleted. Plan “Mom’s Time Off” to rest, read or engage in activities that you enjoy.
• Volunteer. Choose wisely, and not only will your efforts positively impact others, you’ll derive satisfaction and joy from helping out.
• Click into an online moms group. Reaching out to other moms online can help you feel less isolated. Check out social networks like www.MomMeetMom.com, www.TheMommiesNetworks.com, Facebook moms groups and www.MeetUp.com––or start your own group.
• Coordinate a meet and greet. Got school-aged kids? Invite other classroom moms to a “seasoned moms” lunch to build a sense of community.
• Sign up for a yoga, Zumba or Jazzercise class. Exercise releases mood-boosting endorphins and wards off stress. Group fitness helps you feel a sense of accountability.
• Surround yourself with positive people. Move away from draining one-sided friendships that zap your energy. “When there is a negative focus in a relationship, when someone is constantly coming to you to blame and complain––it takes us to that low energy place,” Mueller says.
• Seek balance in your yeses. Stress less by saying no to requests that aren’t a priority or don’t interest you. “Step back and really take a look at what makes no sense,” Mueller says. “And then, use that wonderful phrase: ‘No, I won’t be doing that, but thank you for asking.’” Your family will thank you.
• Negotiate. Are you doing the lion’s share of chauffeuring, cooking and cleaning? Delegate chores to the family. Carpool with another family. Kids can help set and clear the table at mealtime.
• Go on a mini-adventure. Stepping out of your normal routine juices your creativity. Explore another part of town, discover a local museum, paint at a pottery cafe or take a class that interests you.
• Plan a vacation. Mueller recommends always having a trip planned that you can look forward to. “My personal rule is every six months to get away without kids, whether with your spouse or girlfriends.”
• Start a walking group. Walking and talking for an hour is great exercise and like free therapy!
• Dine and play. Invite other moms whose husbands travel or work late for a two-hour afternoon play date and potluck dinner. Dinner done, kids sleep well, and you’re rewarded with a quiet evening ahead!
• Check out the library. Libraries often feature interesting presenters, book clubs and other activities. Attend a few discussions to meet others with shared interests.
• Organize a girls night out. A game night or book club are great excuses for a lively evening escape!
• Stock the freezer. “At a freezer meal workshop, the ladies are taking care of their families as a community,” says Gina Nichols, a Wildtree representative and mom of four in Lenexa. “They have this beautiful night with their friends. They leave feeling accomplished and encouraged. I started thinking...this is the way communities used to do things a long time ago. Women would help each other out.”
• Reach out to a receptive member of a group of moms. If she is an active volunteer at your child’s school in activities that interest you, ask how you can get involved.
• Rejuvenate at the spa. Soothing for the mind and body, a massage can do wonders. A study at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center found Swedish massage in particular reduces the stress hormone cortisol, boosting immunity by increasing white blood cells, which fight infection and disease.
• Reconnect with your spouse. Find a sitter, get dressed up and head out for a date night. Feeling sociable? Invite another couple to join you.
• Support a friend who sells makeup, jewelry, cookware or candles by accepting an invitation to one of the parties. Go with a budget and enjoy hanging out with other women.
• Throw a neighborhood backyard barbecue. Provide outdoor games like badminton, horseshoes, volleyball, chalk, bubbles and hula hoops for the kids to play together.

Freelance journalist Christa Melnyk Hines is the author of  Confidently Connected: A Mom’s Guide to a Satisfying Social Life. Join her in the “Confidently Connected Moms” discussion group on Facebook.