"Man Up" and Other Stereotypical Things I Won't Say to My Son

A few days ago, I decided to make coffee for myself. I rarely drink coffee, opting instead for green tea. As I poured the grounds in, my 3-year-old said, “Mommy, only boys drink coffee. Girls drink tea.” As I explained to him that boys can drink tea and girls can drink coffee, I realized that we have officially arrived at the pivotal place in every childhood where gender stereotyping begins.

I understand why he might draw that conclusion. His father makes coffee every morning while I opt for tea, and he sees these things transpire. According to the article “Avoiding Gender Stereotypes” on www.Parents.com, “Research shows that infants can tell the difference between males and females as early as their first year. What’s more, they begin forming gender stereotypes as soon as they know they are boys and girls.”

It is normal for children at this age to try to explore and understand the rules of the world—what is and what isn’t. Our job as parents is to help them navigate the muddied waters, so that they can grow into emotionally and mentally healthy adults. The more we know, the better we can be for them.

Let’s start from the beginning. Gender is defined in the dictionary as “the state of being male or female—used with reference to social and cultural differences rather than biological ones.” This means that gender is not about whether you are a girl or a boy as defined by your reproductive organs. Gender is what society deems appropriate for males and females in regards to toys, clothes, movies, colors, sports and academic pursuits. For example, society generally frowns upon boys’ wearing pink and girls’ playing football because of gender constraints.

It’s important to understand, however, that gender stereotyping can be damaging to a child’s learning his or her sense of self and place in the world.  KC blogger Megan Thode says, “‘Buck up!’ is one that I’ve heard, and the child’s reaction is always the same. There is a look of shame and frustration on his little face.”  This is all too normal an occurrence, as author William Pollack, PH.D, writes in Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood. “Boys are made to feel shame over and over, in the midst of growing up, through what I call society's shame-hardening process,” he says. “The idea is that a boy needs to be disciplined, toughened up, made to act like a ‘real man,’ be independent, keep the emotions in check. A boy is told that, ‘big boys don't cry,’ that he shouldn't be a ‘mama's boy.’ If these things aren't said directly, these messages dominate in subtle ways in how boys are treated—and therefore how boys come to think of themselves.”

Boys aren’t just told to hide their vulnerability and emotion, refrain from playing certain games and wearing certain colors, they also are given an array of rules that they are expected to abide by around women.

Kansas City mom Heather Birdwell feels that one aspect of gender stereotyping that bothers her is that boys are taught to do certain things for girls. “We teach respect over ‘stereotypical’ roles. I expect my daughter to hold a door open for someone behind her, just as much as I expect my son to grab a door for a person with their hands full.”

While I do believe that the gender lines are blurring as society begins to understand more about boys’ and girls’ emotional, mental and physical needs, it’s important that we work to lay the foundation for our children as they grow. How do we do this? There are several ways to avoid gender stereotyping, according to an article on www.Parents.com:

• Encourage mixed-gender play dates.
• Reinforce behaviors that shatter stereotypes. For example, a father may tell a son in tears, "Sometimes I feel like crying, too."
• Question all generalizations. Janice Garfinkel, a teacher in South Bellmore, NY, constantly tries to probe generalizations in her classroom. "In preschool, the girls tell the boys, 'Pretend you're the dad, and it's time for you to come home from work. I'm the mom, and I'm taking care of the baby.' I always ask the kids, 'Do you know any moms who go out to work each day?"
• Tune in to your own biases. "Parents should review their behavior to make sure they're not doing or saying anything that feeds into something harmful," says Charles Flatter, Ph.D., a professor of human development at the University of Maryland.

I am careful not to draw lines with my sons. Sometimes they parade around in my high heels, scarves draped over one shoulder and wide grins on their faces. I never say “Stop being a sissy.” For Christmas, they received a kitchen set and a train table. There was no mention of kitchens or cooking being just for girls or train tables being strictly the boy thing to do. Those are the activities they enjoy at the moment. I am also teaching my boys about communicating their feelings. My sons are learning to articulate emotions out loud rather than being forced to hide them under the mask of being a man.

“Boys can’t…” isn’t part of my vocabulary. “Be a kind, honest person” is. I think that’s a good lesson for all.

Jennifer Bosse lives in KC with her husband and two sons. She does not believe in gender stereotyping.