Manners Still Matter: Civilizing Children in an Uncivilized World

Once upon a time, Miss Manners surely would have insisted that young boys bow and little girls curtsey when introduced to adults.

But today that same Judith Martin—the etiquette queen whose Dear Abby-style manners column graces newspaper pages nationwide—probably would agree that a handshake or a smile and nod are just as polite.

And while some social graces get slight makeovers over time, one thing is certain: Good manners never go out of style.

In fact, they are the foundation of a civilized society and what child rearing is all about, Martin says in her often humorous yet spot-on book, Miss Manner’s Guide to Rearing Perfect Children. 

Unfortunately, not everyone has read Martin’s book. The evidence is in a 2012 Rasmussen poll that found 76 percent of Americans think fellow citizens are ruder and less civilized now than a couple decades ago.

Some blame the decline on celebrity role models who behave badly. While others say society’s standards of rudeness are simply changing.

Whatever the cause, here are some ways to help your child do you—and Miss Manners—proud.

Remember the golden rule

Manners are about treating people the way you want to be treated rather than focusing on how people treat you. So encourage children to be considerate and make others feel comfortable, as well as respect themselves, says Sandra Tompkins, a certified children’s etiquette consultant.

“Even sitting at a table and eating properly is showing respect to the person eating with you,” says the Overland Park mom to two adult sons and a teenage daughter.

Likewise, Angela Adrian, Gardner, rarely drops off her two children at school without reminding them to make good choices and to “do something for someone to show them God's love.” 

Recently, Adrian heard from another mom that her morning reminders were paying off.  Her 8-year-old boy had spoken kindly and reassuringly to the woman’s son, who was being teased in class.

When the Adrian children experience incivility, their mom encourages them not to get discouraged but to brush it off and walk away. However, they know to report to an adult if someone is in danger or getting hurt.

Forget about osmosis

If you think your children will somehow pick up proper manners at school, at church or through friends, then you’re gambling with their training. Parents need to be deliberate and consistent in their approach, according to Nancy Damron, Ph.D., dean of the School of Education at MidAmerica Nazarene University in Olathe. And they should not expect children to learn everything on their own.

“We must model it, live it, explain it and praise each other when we uphold what is right and treat each other with manners and love,” says Damron, mother to a 13-year-old son and 11-year-old daughter.

Damron says that much of the training future teachers receive easily translates into parenting, especially “teacher think-alouds,” which explain the rationale behind a behavior while modeling it. 

“This helps reinforce with purpose what you want them to do as they become more independent in society,” she says.

Tompkins suggests also talking children through rough situations, such as seeing a parent lose control at a child’s sporting event. It’s important to discuss how that person could have responded civilly, she says.

And sometimes the children themselves enjoy doing the modeling.

Karen Hayse, mom to three daughters—ages 4, 6 and 26—says her younger girls “think it's hysterical to be allowed to be melodramatically rude that one time and then show us the way to act instead.”

Nurture an attitude of gratitude

Although snail mail is slowly going the way of VHS tapes and floppy disks, Tompkins says that a handwritten thank you is polite and should be sent before children use gifts.

Hayse, too, helps her daughters write notes but sometimes opts for something less traditional.

“We do a video of the girls with their gifts,” says Hayse, who also has taught 23 years in the Shawnee Mission School District. “They talk about why they like the gifts, say thank you, and we post on YouTube and send the link to the giver. We've done this many times, and people love it!”

Begin at the beginning

It’s never too early to start teaching manners. In fact, some children learn hand signs for “please” and “thank you” long before they can talk.

Ever since Adrian started her home daycare, she has realized children learn early to test limits.

“Say a 12-month-old is hitting another child with a toy. Correct him. Say, ‘Ouch! Let’s play nice.’ Or ‘Let’s give our friends nice touches,’” Adrian says. “He may not completely understand, but he will see the better option.”

But she warns: “If you have a silly reaction to a ‘bad’ manner—he will make that one part of his entertaining act for sure.”

And judging by the sentiments in her book, Miss Manners wouldn’t be surprised.

Melinda Ablard Smith is wife to one amazing man, mother to two great kiddos and owner to three Chihuahuas that wouldn’t know a manner if it bit them. She lives in Olathe and teaches journalism at MidAmerica Nazarene University.