New Relationship as a Stepparent

Marriage is tough; marriage where children are already involved can be even tougher.  After all, you are stepping—pun intended—into an established family dynamic. The good news is women and men becoming stepparents are not alone. According to SmartStepFamilies.com, approximately one third of all weddings in America today form stepfamilies. While that statistic can offer some comfort, there is no real way to prepare for the trials and tribulations (and joy!) that come with being a stepparent.  As a stepmom for nearly 10 years, I want to offer my top five ways to get your stepparent cred up to par before you say “I do.”

Start at the beginning

Think of your stepparent role as a simple one: You are someone who cares for a child. No other labels need apply. Many stepparents try to force themselves into the parental role too soon, and it can feel disingenuous and cause immediate conflict. Think of yourself as an aunt or uncle, just being there for the child as a supportive adult. The more authoritative part will develop naturally later. Now is the time to be fun, be happy and be present.

Example: When your future stepchild asks whether it’s okay to have ice cream right after breakfast, refer to the parent by saying, “Let’s ask Dad about that one in a bit, okay? How about we play hide and seek?” 

Consistency is key

It’s inevitable: Rules at Mom’s are different than at Dad’s. Diverse parenting styles are part of the deal. But just because a child throws up a Hail Mary like “At Mom’s I stay up until midnight!”, don’t be tempted to bend your rules. Children know you’re making an effort to fit in, and they may try to exploit that fact. Like any level-headed, caring adult would, you must maintain boundaries and rules that have been established in the household. Keep it simple and explain calmly: “I understand that at Mom’s you can stay up late, but in this house, we go to bed at 9:00.” If that point is met with resistance, refer to the biological parent to diffuse the situation or administer a consequence. When you and your spouse pose a united front, there is less room for kids to try to take advantage.

Side note: If possible, encourage Mom and Dad to have as close to the same rules at their respective houses as possible. It will make life easier and less confusing to the kids—and for you.

Go straight to the source

Consider asking for a face-to-face meeting with your future spouse’s ex. After all, you are going to be a part of raising his/her child for the foreseeable future.  Meet at a neutral location, like a coffee shop, and explain how excited you are about your role as a stepparent and how you have the children’s best interest at heart. Remind the parent that you are there to support him or her and have no intention of trying to replace him or her. This meeting may not be a reality if your new marriage is being met with resentment or contempt, but it’s worth a try. Many biological parents understandably feel threatened by the addition of a stepparent in the family. A calm meeting expressing your desire to approach parenting as a team, not as a contest, can help alleviate that fear. If you’re feeling anxious about a one-on-one, consider involving your future spouse in the meeting as well.

Build new traditions

It will never be easy to hear your stepkids talk about how Mom and Dad used to take them Christmas tree shopping each year, or that Monopoly can’t be your favorite game because that was Mom and Dad’s favorite. Children remember traditions, even more so when they are desperately clinging to the only family unit they have ever known.  Creating your own traditions is a great way to deepen your emotional bond together. Deem Saturday night as “Chocolate Shake and a Movie Night” or take the kids on a short weekend getaway that you plan together. Just make sure you aren’t recreating a tradition that competes with those they remember from before.

Tip: Try producing a fun family photo with you, your spouse and the kids. Get the kids’ input on what they wear, how they sit, etc. They’ll feel in control and excited to see the final result up on the wall in a beautiful picture frame. Keep the tradition going year after year!

Get some help

This stepparenting gig is one of the toughest around. There’s nothing wrong (and everything right!) with getting some help. If the kids are at an age when they’re having trouble expressing their feelings, involve a counselor who can help them deal. And while you may be fortunate enough to join a family where things are less contentious, consider yourself lucky while still remembering you have a long way to go. Stepparenting is a day by day, year by year commitment. There are no breaks and no time to consider your work done.

Blended families are full of challenges, but they also can be incredibly rewarding. Keep your chin up, lean on friends and family for support, and one day, your stepkids will see you for what you are:  someone who loves them, cares for them and wants the best for them. And when that day comes, it will all be worth it.

Kim Antisdel is a freelance writer and interior design sales rep for Kansas City. She lives in Liberty with her husband, two stepdaughters, son and  small zoo of rescue animals.