Optimistic Families: Are they born or made?

A quintessential component of life is variability, moments that are full of joy, excitement, ease and pleasure and moments that are tiring, sad and trying. Being able to manage the latter optimistically can lead to healthy life outcomes across social, career and family experiences.

Molly Ticknor, Kansas City area licensed professional counselor (LPC) and registered art therapist (ATR), works throughout Kansas City to promote efforts of resiliency development, and encourages modeling behaviors of optimism and resilience by parents/caretakers. “As humans, we are hardwired to focus on the negative as a survival skill and need to retrain our minds to hardwire happiness and optimism,” she says. “Optimism is a learned behavior, a skill that is learned through modeling from those we look up to. And by being surrounded by those who instill optimism and resilience (protective factors) to our lives, we will train our brains to think more positively about situations.” She also notes that families who are able to provide these factors are those that are attentive, loving, compassionate, nurturing and who celebrate small successes.

Danon, Geneviève, Cory and Rita, co-parenting family to Kansas City area youngster Atticus, 6, agree that optimism is a process and find it imperative to their co-parenting choice and Atticus’ development. “Optimism promotes success, growth and confidence. When you think about the family dynamic we share, it wouldn't work if either household had only negative things to say. I won't say it's not difficult—it most certainly is. But it's made easier when you know everyone is pulling for good of the whole, and part of that is admitting when things are tough and finding a positive solution to the end,” Rita says. “Being positive with ourselves and to each other teaches Atti to fully trust both households—a key component to our success and his own!”

While teaching and modeling the optimistic behaviors is important, all parents/caretakers are also human and susceptible to breaking down, having moments of pessimism or feeling defeated by all of the pressures that come with managing work, family, social time and personal needs. These moments can be good teaching moments for those watchful, impressionable young ones. “First of all, own up to your mistakes. When we own up to a mistake, we are teaching our children responsibility and building safety and trust in our relationships. We are modeling respect and responsibility,” Ticknor says. “By apologizing about being negative or taking our stress out on the kids, we help coach the child how to respond appropriately and let them know that everyone makes mistakes—not shaming for it.”   

Atticus’ parents find that owning up to their own faults and having open and honest conversations have been beneficial to the positive development of their co-parenting relations and Atticus’ optimism when faced with personal stressors. “We find it extremely important that Atticus see us being human. All of it: sad, mad, tired, excited, happy, no matter what emotion it is that day. It doesn't have to be dramatic but it is critical that we share with him that life is not perfect. No day will be full of only perfect moments. There is realness to life, and some days are positive and some days are negative,” Rita says. “Overreacting can happen as a parent. Maybe he didn't clean his room or maybe he wanted your attention more than he wanted to do what you asked of him. Calling attention and apologizing when you do mess up is important. It helps teach that it is okay to make a mistake.”

At the end of the day, optimism is built, and families can engage in and practice behaviors to develop that character. “Optimism is a skill that is learned through modeling from those we look up to (caregivers, educators, coaches, etc.), experiences we have, our own internal hope, motivation, self-confidence and external resources, including supportive family/friends, safe neighborhoods and community,” says Ticknor. She also notes that connections in your brain literally change with a positive attitude, so resiliency in youth can be developed simply by modeling healthy positive attitudes.

Karah Chapman is a school psychologist in the Kansas City area. She believes a smile can change the outlook of any moment.