Playing Favorites

One of the most important lessons I learned in preparation for parenthood was not to play favorites with my kids—a lifelong lesson I am grateful to my parents for teaching me. I am the youngest of four daughters, and my sisters and I remain very closely connected to each other. Today, well into adulthood with children of our own, we are no longer competing for our parents’ (still equal) attention, but we also continue to have very little sibling rivalry among ourselves—something I attribute to our parents.

So I jumped at the chance to find out the secrets behind my parents’ ability to make us all feel equally loved, turning first to the expert who had the biggest impact in my life regarding favoritism (or lack thereof): my mom. After raising four daughters, Sharon Blumenthal, LCSCW, has used all the skills she gained during motherhood to help other families, children and parents get through their tough issues in her private therapy practice. Also weighing in on the topic with her own expertise in the field is Dr. Gwen Landever, Education Department Chair at the University of Saint Mary in Leavenworth, and a Leawood mom of two.

Focus on the strengths: First and foremost, both experts strongly recommend parents never play favorites. Rather, it’s more important to focus on the individual child’s needs.

“Give them equal praise for their strengths and equal attention to help them overcome their weaknesses. Positive reinforcement is key,” says Blumenthal.

Landever agrees, “You may connect differently with each of your children and you may like different qualities of each of your children, but you need to find what you adore about each and then just love them for those qualities!”

What’s more, playing favorites can backfire in unexpected ways: “The kids know if you play favorites and—interestingly enough—research shows self-esteem is as low for the ‘favorite’ child as it is for the child who is not favored,” says Landever.

Set an equal playing field: “Keep discipline and expectations equal (within reason) for each child,” Blumenthal says. “Basically, you are instilling the same values for each child to ensure a sense of fairness.”

For example, if your two children put their best into studying for school, and one child comes home with straight As, while the other brings home Cs, you may need to adjust expectations. Focus on the fact that each child worked as hard as he or she could and help both of them be proud of themselves for their hard work. Also, make sure you are giving each child the tools he needs to build confidence and thrive, without setting unreasonable expectations.

Make time: “Don’t exclude a child,” Blumenthal says. “If you are driving one child to ice skating three times a week, ask your other child if he or she would like to come along so you can chat or go grab an ice cream while the sibling is at practice.”

Landever is a fan of one-on-one activities with her kids and makes special plans on a regular basis. “Pick activities you both enjoy but the rest of the family may not. I tend to go shopping or get a manicure with my girly daughter, and my son and I go to lunch at a restaurant only the two of us like. My husband also does dad time with each kid as well,” Landever says.

Where special time is concerned, don’t let your kids get bogged down with “being fair,” cautions Landever. “In our family, we talk about how everyone gets the opportunity to do something special, and those special times may not be exactly the same length or at the same time.”

“We also discuss the idea that fair is not always ‘equal,’ so my 10-year-old may get to stay up 30 minutes later than my 8-year-old, and that is a fair rule since she is older and can handle a later bedtime. That doesn't mean we are favoring her,” Landever says.

Finally, as my dad used to tell us when we’d complain: “Life isn’t always fair.” It’s okay for your children to learn that life doesn’t always come out evenhanded, but remind them that in the ebb and flow of childhood—and life—it all comes out in the wash. Your children will develop resilience, and those lessons definitely worked for my sisters and me!

Jane Blumenthal Martin lives in Overland Park with her husband and two children. Read Jane's blog for working parents at www.ArtOfEqualParenting.com.