Raise a Kid Who Gets Invited Back
Two little girls are playing sweetly with dolls and a toy kitchen, saying please and thank you, sharing and agreeing on exactly which games they should play. Isn’t this every parent’s dream version of a play date? You’ve likely experienced something similar. But you’ve probably also experienced something like KC mom Miranda did when her son’s play date turned into more work than it was worth. From spilled milk to cereal crushed on the kitchen table, Miranda was left with a giant mess.
Play dates can be fun for kids and parents, especially when well-behaved children are together. But a child who doesn’t play by the rules can create headaches instead of fun. With the help of Janis Kliethermes, owner of Etiquette Kansas City, and Jody Swiech, Certified Children’s Etiquette Trainer at Fort Leavenworth, we learned some easy and fun ways to teach manners--increasing the chances that your child will be the one who gets invited back for play dates time and again.
Respect House Rules
Whether it’s removing shoes at the door or avoiding certain rooms, kids should always know the rules of the host house and follow them, according to Kliethermes. For example, your child shouldn’t assume it is okay to eat in his friend’s living room, just because he can at home.
When Visiting: Prep your child before the play date, telling him which adult will be in charge while you are not there. If the hostess does not explain rules of the house when you arrive, ask her to do so before you leave.
When Hosting: Explain to both children what is and isn’t allowed. Be brief and end on a positive note. For example, you can simply say, “Don’t go in the office, don’t go outside without asking and most of all, have fun!”
Remember Five Phrases
Lecturing your child about good manners is a sure-fire way to get her to tune out. Instead, Swiech suggests that you reinforce good manners by using, “the five magic phrases” on a regular basis: please, thank you, you’re welcome, excuse me and I’m sorry. Using these phrases consistently at home helps your child not only learn to respect others and feel respected, but also to make these phrases a second-nature part of everyday vocabulary.
When Visiting: Encourage your child to use the five magic phrases with both the adult and child she will be visiting. Swiech encourages her daughter to simply say, “Thank you for your hospitality,” when a play date ends.
When Hosting: At appropriate times during the play date, say please and thank you to both children, demonstrating respectful behavior. When the play date ends, prompt your child to say, “Thank you for playing with me,” and teach her to walk her friend to the door.
Avoid Food Faux Pas
It is extremely frustrating to host a play date when the visiting child is constantly asking for food or complaining about what you have (or don’t have) available to eat. Kliethermes emphasizes the importance of staying out of someone else’s refrigerator. She recommends reminding your child to ask the parent of the house if he needs food or anything else.
When Visiting: Prepare your child a snack before she leaves and remind her that she is going to her friend’s house to play, not to eat. Tell her that it is okay to try new food if offered, but it’s not okay help herself to the food in other’s homes or to complain about what someone else prepares for her.
When Hosting: If you choose to provide a snack or meal during a play date, offer reasonable choices. For example, “Would you like fish sticks or chicken nuggets for lunch today?” Designate a time and place for eating and then encourage children to move on with playing.
Make Contact
Swiech teaches her students the importance of making eye contact and shaking hands with the adult host or hostess. “I tell my students, ‘If you are meeting someone for the first time, especially an adult, please don’t be looking down at your feet to make sure they’re still there. Trust me, they are still there; otherwise, you’d fall over.’”
When Visiting: Begin developing good habits with your child by standing beside him and reminding him to make eye contact and extend his hand. Practice with him at home until he is comfortable. If your child is shy, encourage proper behavior and demonstrate by shaking hands with the host.
When Hosting: Allow your child to practice by shaking his friend’s hand and telling him thank you for visiting. Make it fun and extend your hand to the visiting child as well.
Have Fun And Be An Example
Swiech teaches manners using funny names like, “Mr. Grabby” and “Susie Shouts.” She also encourages role-playing in her classes, asking two children to engage in a private conversation before she barges in and uses herself as an example of how not to behave. “We also play games, do crafts and listen to songs which underscore the need for good manners,” said Swiech.
Kliethermes reminds parents, “Kids learn by example. Let them see how you behave outside your home. Be persistent in your words and actions. You can’t expect your kids to take you seriously if you don’t follow the same rules.”
Julie Steed lives in Leavenworth where she spends vast quantities of time trying to teach her daughters that manners really do matter!