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Raising an Expressive Child

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Does your child throw temper tantrums when things don’t go her way? Does he hit siblings when he is mad? Does she throw toys across the room when she is frustrated? Kids often don’t understand how to appropriately express strong feelings like anger, frustration or disappointment, leading them to act out. This behavior is totally normal, and the good news is parents can help kids understand their emotions, express themselves in a healthy way and even learn to cope with their feelings.

Teach feeling words

            The biggest obstacle toddlers have when expressing their feelings is the simple fact that they do not have the words to explain what is going on. When your child has worked hard to build a tower of blocks only to have it topple down over and over again, she feels frustrated. Simply stating, “You are frustrated with your blocks aren’t you? Can I help?” acknowledges your child’s feelings and give her words to identify them in the future. If a sibling takes a toy away from your child and he begins to cry, acknowledge that he is sad and come up with a solution together to work it out. In the future, give your child the opportunity to express how he is feeling and listen. This helps little ones show their feelings through words rather than actions (like hitting or throwing a tantrum). When dealing with an older child, ask what she is feeling and listen to the answer without criticism. If she has trouble coming up with feelings words to express herself, suggest a couple you think may fit the situation. Ask whether your child can think of a better way to handle the situation and talk it out together.

Talk about feelings often

            Giving your child the words to express his own feelings is important and so is noticing and labeling the feelings of others. When you arrive home to a dog that greets you at the door with a wagging tail, explain the dog is excited to see you. If your child notices someone crying, talk about how that person is sad and why. If your child acts out toward someone else, try to explain the feelings involved. “You were mad at your sister and so you told her you didn’t like her anymore. That hurt her feelings, and now she feels sad.” Help your child notice the cues and body language of others and guess their emotions. You also can play a game where you make faces at each other. First make a happy face, then a mad face, then a sad face. As you read books, try to guess the feelings of the characters. Parents also can find many books and videos about feelings at their local library.

Model appropriate expression

            Kids should know that parents have feelings of sadness, excitement, frustration and anger, just like they do. During these emotional moments, we parents can model a positive way of dealing with our feelings. When a parent gets mad, she has the opportunity to yell or get physical or she can say calmly that she needs to take a walk and excuse herself until she can cool down. When we are frustrated with a task, we should let kids know what we are feeling and that we have decided to take a break or ask for help. Feelings of sadness are normal, and we can show kids that feeling down once in a while is okay. Spending time with people we care about, exercising and doing something we enjoy are all great ways to lift a mood.

Teach appropriate ways to deal with emotions

            Once kids can express how they feel with words, we can help them come up with appropriate ways to express their feelings. For some kids, simply talking about feelings may be the answer. Others may need extra snuggles or hugs. For another child, having time to be alone to sort out his thoughts and feelings or cool down gives him the time he needs to process his emotions so he can discuss them. When my daughter gets mad, she finds it helpful to go to her room, shut the door and turn up the music. I often hear her singing as she looks at books, plays or even cleans. When she joins us again later, she is calmer, happier and able to talk and interact with others calmly. My son prefers to take a walk when he is upset. The exercise and fresh air help him settle down. Depending on the child, the current emotion and the situation, the coping skills may look very different.

            As kids begin to learn to express their feelings using words and appropriate coping skills, give them positive feedback. Your affirming words will encourage them to continue to express themselves as they mature.

 

Books About Feelings for Kids

​Sarah Lyons is a freelance writer that lives in Olathe with her family.

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