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Taming the Tattletale

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    I know you’ve seen the tattletale emerge—that clamoring, whining beast that makes even the most reasonable parent pull his or her hair out. Are we doomed to resolve every dispute between our children? The experts say no—in fact, the less involved you are, the better off your kids will be. Here are a few tricks to taming the tattletale in your child.

Tattling versus Reporting

     Gone are the days when bullied kids were told to “sort it out yourself.” Schools encourage kids to report bullying behavior. But what’s the difference between tattling and reporting? 

    Ask your child’s teacher if the class has discussed the distinction. Often you can use the teacher’s words to extend the lesson to home and create consistency. Be clear with your kids: Reporting is telling about a dangerous situation. Tattling is telling about nondangerous situations to get someone in trouble. 

    Lee’s Summit CARES, a community task force dedicated to youth safety, reports that bullying is facilitated by the 80 percent of children who are bystanders—neither victims nor aggressors. It’s important for kids to understand that reporting aggressive behavior is their responsibility. Kerri Gray, M.S., writes in a Lee’s Summit CARES publication that the key question to ask children is this: “Are you telling me this to get someone out of trouble or into trouble?” Once your kids know that mantra, shorten it. When your child says, “My sister is ...,” stop her. Say: “Wait. In or out?” Kids should understand that helping someone out of trouble will earn your respect; getting someone in trouble won’t. 

    Don’t assume your children understand the difference, either. Come up with some scenarios and ask your kids whether, in each situation, telling someone would be reporting or tattling. One resource teachers love is the book Tattlin’ Madeline by Carol Cummings (Teaching INC, $6.99).

What to Do About It

    Shanna Groves, an Olathe mother of three, says that her “older children love to tattle on each other” and that “lecturing them doesn’t work. Short and to the point works best.” Groves and her husband are quick to administer consequences when tattling becomes a problem. 

    Jean Tracy, M.S.S., says consequences often mean separating children. Tracy has been a family counselor for 22 years and hosts the website KidsDiscuss.com. She favors an “instant replay” solution: The child uses time out to come up with three ways that he might have handled the situation differently. This method encourages the tattler to be a problem solver, and the parent can role-play with the child to show how his ideas might or might not work. “We all have reason for a reason,” says Tracy. “We can figure out different ways of handling problems.” 

    Problem solving is a crucial skill to teach kids, agrees Betsy Brown Braun, author of Just Tell Me What to Say: Sensible Tips and Scripts for Perplexed Parents (HarperCollins, $15.95). Tattlers crave attention as well as the bonus of looking like the better-behaved child. To squash that tactic, take a nonjudgmental approach. If a child has been hurt, tend to her cheerfully, without drama. If consequences need to be meted out, do so in another room, away from the tattler. The idea is to provide as little payoff as possible for tattling. And Braun agrees with Jean Tracy: Teaching conflict resolution goes a long way. Worst-case scenario? Tattlers learn they’ll be subjected to a boring role-playing session if they persist. 

    I dealt with tattling regularly as a teacher’s aide in a Lenexa elementary school. Occasionally kids did report unsafe situations. “Thank you for letting me know” was a good response before taking care of the problem. But tattling—“Michael is scribbling on his desk,” for example—earned a disinterested “That doesn’t concern you.” Later I could take Michael aside and address the defaced school property. 

    Getting to the bottom of any parenting issue is often about finding out the why, experts say. One preemptive strike, says Braun, is to spend some time alone with each child on a regular basis. Tracy advises listening to children. Their tone of voice will tell if they’re whiny, smirking or genuinely hurt. Take a child for a walk, outside of the tattling context, and listen to what he or she has to say. If necessary, give yourself a time out. Given patience, you too can tame the tattletale beast.

Do You Encourage Tattling?

 Watch out for these surefire ways to keep your kids tattling! 

Claire M. Caterer writes fiction, nonfiction, and promotional materials from her home office in Shawnee.

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