The Popularity Trap

Whether it’s a crazy hairstyle, clothing you never imagined they’d wear, facial piercings, new school activities or bizarre slang that makes you cringe, face it: Right now, your adolescent is striving to fit in. She wants to feel accepted and loved. But is “being popular” really necessary?

Rest assured, popularity isn’t just about “being popular.” In fact, recent studies have shown that popularity is more about the feeling of being popular rather than actually attaining popularity, says school counselor Lori Streu of Liberty Academy/Liberty High School.

“As teens begin to establish a new, more adult-like identity, they strive for acceptance. They want others to like who they are and they want to do well socially,” she says.

A need to fit in with the crowd typically emerges during early adolescence. Between the ages of 10 and 15, children discover a whole new world beyond their family: peers. This is when the overwhelming desire to belong suddenly takes center stage. But don’t worry. This shift away from family is normal. After all, a young adolescent’s task is to figure out who he or she is, and peer groups help with this process.

“My 13-year-old has never shown signs of needing to be accepted by certain people,” says Blue Springs mom Alexa Smith. “My 11-year-old, however, sometimes feels like she doesn’t fit in or no one likes her.”

Gladstone mom Jeana Tetzlaff says her daughter first showed signs of wanting to be accepted in elementary school.

“She wanted her hair long so she could fit in with the other girls. That had been a big deal with her,” she says. “And just before she turned 12, she wanted a cell phone because several of her friends had them.”

As a parent, it’s important to support your child’s need to be accepted. According to Streu, there are three things parents can do: understand, talk and listen.

“It’s important that parents understand the need their adolescent has to feel accepted and valued by his peers. It can feel like a life-or-death matter to many adolescents. To support them, parents should talk to them about their need to be popular, and they should listen to their adolescent to help him work through this difficult state,” she says.

“A child will look to her parents first for any type of acceptance,” Smith says. “I think that if a child feels accepted by her own parents, the need to be accepted by her peers is less.”

Streu says to start young. Parents should teach children at a young age to practice good judgment and to choose what is right – not just what’s popular.

“Parents should also choose their battles wisely. If their adolescent wants to cut up a pair of jeans because the ‘in’ crowd is wearing cut-up jeans, this might be better than piercing their tongue or getting a tattoo,” Streu says. “Consider this when choosing what to regulate and remember that adolescents who feel challenged will often push away.”

“I pick and choose my battles on issues that come up. With the hair, I didn’t entirely agree with why my daughter wanted it long, but we made an agreement that she had to keep her hair clean and brushed or else it would get cut,” Tetzlaff says. “With the cell phone, we made her wait until her birthday and then bought her an inexpensive prepaid phone.”

When does “fitting in with the crowd” cross the line? You’ll know there’s a problem if any of the following occur: bullying, over-pleasing, pressure, insincerity and competitiveness. If you notice any of these things, stop and talk to your child. Ask teachers, guidance counselors or other school officials for their perspective on what is going on in and out of class. They might have information on programs the school offers to address cliques and to help kids with differences get along.

Kansas City mom Gina Klein is a writer/photographer who believes whole-heartedly in the importance of being true to yourself.