Training My Child to Be Independent
As a mom of kids ranging from 2 to 12, I realize how quickly time flies. I love watching them grow, try new things and discover their passions. As a parent, I find it can be hard to let them struggle through or even fail at experiences outside their comfort zone. However, those experiences develop confidence and independence, which are valuable in raising children. I want to raise self-sufficient adults, and that means I need to start training them now. Here are some ideas to help kids naturally develop the independence needed to be confident and responsible adults.
The Preschool Years (ages 2-5)
Create a helper
Toddlers and preschoolers love to follow their parents around the house; so why not have them help with the chores? They can help put clothes in the dryer, match socks, sweep the floor or assist in any other task. They may not be able to do chores independently or have household responsibilities yet, but taking the extra time now lays the groundwork for the future.
Give opportunities
During the preschool years, kids typically show an interest in trying self-care tasks themselves. It may be easier (and faster) to tie your child’s shoes, zip up his coat, make his lunch and buckle his seatbelt, but allowing your child to try these things on his own helps him become more independent. Consider starting the preparation for your day 15 minutes earlier to allow time for your child to try some things on his own. If frustration arises, remain calm and ask if he would like help. Instead of just completing the task for him, take time to teach him how to do it so he can try again tomorrow.
Problem solve
Problem solving skills begin to develop at a young age. Toddlers and preschoolers will often get frustrated when things don’t go their way and may wind up in the throes of a temper tantrum. Although this is age appropriate, parents can begin to help their children develop problem solving skills by calmly suggesting solutions to what is upsetting them. Have your child come up with ideas to solve the problem and, when possible, help her work through it on her own.
Bonus tip for preschoolers: Give your children choices whenever possible to help them develop independence and to give them a sense of control.
The elementary school years (ages 6-11)
Create a helper
For elementary age kids, you can advance what was done in the preschool years. I will assign my child a chore, like washing windows, vacuuming or putting away dishes. Because he has helped me with these tasks for years, he no longer needs my assistance. If a child is reluctant to do chores, I make a list of things that need to be done and have him choose a few things to do. When the tasks are done, the child will have free time for electronics, outside play or something else he has been looking forward to. Chores teach kids to be independent and responsible.
Give opportunities
Give your child more opportunities to be independent as she matures. This may look different depending on your child’s age and maturity, but some ideas may be ordering and paying for her food at a restaurant, riding her bike home from school, packing her own lunch or trying a new extracurricular activity. Each opportunity, even a challenging one, helps your child become self-sufficient and develop more independence.
Problem solve
Elementary school kids will begin to face bigger problems that may include challenging friendships, struggles with schoolwork or even bullying. Foster good communication with your children and help them come up with solutions they are comfortable with. Cheer them on when they are able to work through obstacles.
Bonus tip for the elementary school years: Do your best not to criticize your children’s efforts but instead praise them for doing their best.
The teen years (ages 12-18)
Create a helper
Tweens and teens should be given even more household responsibilities as they are nearing adulthood. Take note of what skills it takes to run a household and begin to teach them these tasks. Cooking, yard work, babysitting, laundry, car care and even a part-time job fall into this category. The more responsibilities your child is comfortable with while in your home, the smoother the transition to living on his own later.
Give opportunities
There is a fine line between giving your child independence and keeping him safe in the teen years. As kids start to drive, spend more time with friends and work outside the home, parents have less control over their choices. Continue working on open communication and trust with your teen so that as she ventures into the world, you both feel comfortable with the change.
Problem solve
One of the hardest things kids have to experience is the consequences for a poor choice. A parent’s first reaction may be to step in and “save” her child, but in the long run, this does not teach teens anything. For example, if your child left her homework at home, she will not receive credit for the work. The easy thing to do would be to run the assignment to the school, but chances are your child will forget again and most likely on a larger assignment. As adults, we have to manage our responsibilities, and teens must also learn these lessons. If forgotten homework is repeatedly an issue, suggest packing up the night before. Sit down with your child and help him come up with solutions to problems. You can encourage him to do this without you, then come back and present his solution to you.
Bonus tip for the teen years: Set specific household rules so that your child has the opportunity to be independent but not out of your comfort zone as a parent.
As our children grow, so must their responsibilities. As always, you will be there to guide and train them, but giving your children tools throughout childhood will help them grow into confident and independent adults.
Sarah Lyons is a part-time freelance writer and a full-time mom of six living in Olathe.