What Did You Say? Dealing with Disrespect
Learning to manage back talk is about as appealing as addressing a 2-year-old’s temper tantrum, but it is an equally important parenting task. The good news is, if you have tamed the terrible twos, you are well armed to squelch back talk as well.
Betsy Brown Braun’s book, Just Tell Me What to Say, contains scripts that tell parents what to say during some of life’s most difficult moments. According to Braun, parents should expect back talk to begin around age four, when children start to assert themselves and establish some independence from their parents. Our main job is to remain calm – simple, right? Right. (Remember how easy that was during those terrible two tantrums?)
One thing that might make it easier to remain calm: remember that your child is practicing his assertiveness on those with whom he is most comfortable. If children are able to control themselves around other adults (teachers, coaches, caregivers), then you are doing your job well. So, try to remember to breathe before you respond to back talk and don’t let yourself deteriorate in the heated moment. That’s advice from Dianna Hall of Kansas City’s Family Conservancy (www.thefamilyconservancy.org), who reminds parents that we cannot physically stop back talk. Our only weapon is our own response, so we must stay calm in order to eliminate its power.
Other Tools
- Know your triggers and plan responses to things that really bug you ahead of time.
- Make consequences fit the crime, if possible. Making the child “sweat a little” while you take some time to decide upon a consequence is fine. Chances are, they will hate the waiting more than the actual consequence, and you will be better able to deliver it calmly and without hostility once you have had a chance to exhale.
- Model desired behavior by demonstrating how you expect your child to talk to you. Use phrases like, “We will talk this way (respectfully, calmly, etc.)” and, hopefully, that’s how you habitually speak to them. Then, says Hall, tell them what type of behavior you are expecting to see before they have their privilege returned and how long the consequence will last. For example: “I’m going to be watching you this week to see how often you speak respectfully to others in our family. At the end of the week, we will discuss when you can have your cell phone returned.”
- This gives the child a specific behavior to work on within a reasonable time period. Of course, you will need to adjust the behaviors and consequences to make them age appropriate; Braun’s book and The Family Conservancy website can help with that. And, make sure you do what you say you are going to do, or the back talk will continue. Besides staying calm, the most important part of this approach is consistency. Your children will learn best when they know their parents will always provide discipline in a loving, supportive setting.
Kathy Stump lives in Parkville, where she tries to do a lot of deep breathing while disciplining two children.