Why Moms Need to Stop Saying "I'm Sorry"

When is the right time to say you are sorry? Many of us who were brought up to be polite and courteous offer apologies as frequently as we utter a greeting of hello. We say we are sorry when we approach people at work, we apologize for not having a guest’s favorite brand of coffee on hand, and we say we are sorry for not buying Girl Scout cookies from every single one of our friends’ daughters.

“I use it a lot when it comes to missing a meeting or event because my kids are sick or one of my kids has a doctor’s appointment,” Allison Murphy, Shawnee mom, says. “I feel it is necessary to apologize, especially when it is with a group of men or individuals who do not have children. Somehow if I apologize, then that makes it acceptable.”

Moms in Kansas City are taking on more than ever, juggling career and kids while creating Pinterest-worthy homes and meals and always making time for a romantic date night. This standard of multitasking and over-scheduling has become not only the norm, but the expectation. The heavy load carried by modern moms is leading to a generation of moms who spend much of their day saying “I’m sorry” as an automatic response to any number of common situations.

Katrina Alcorn writes in her book Maxed Out: American Moms on the Brink that moms are perpetually sorry for all the ways they perceive themselves as failing their employers, their families and themselves. Alcorn argues that when we say “sorry,” we are too often apologizing for our failure to do the impossible.

Alcorn says anyone can respond to an email in a timely manner, go to a parents’ meeting for the hockey team or contribute just one thing to the teacher appreciation lunch. However, she argues that no one can do all of those things simultaneously while also helping one child with spelling words, listening to another child rehearse lines for a school play and taking the call from her mother-in-law to start planning the next holiday family get-together.

At its heart, an apology is an admission of wrongdoing. So when most moms say they are sorry, do they actually feel they are at fault for something? Or are they expressing remorse for simple inconveniences or their lack of ability to be in multiple places at once? “Moms these days have more to-dos on our lists than ever before. I think a lot of the time we say ‘I’m sorry’ because we just can’t fit another thing into our day. We say ‘I’m sorry’ because we want to make the other person feel better,” says Liberty mom Stephanie Green.

In situations ranging from your reputation at the office to your good standing with your friends, saying you are sorry too often can have negative consequences. Not only can your words begin to lose their sincerity, but frequently putting yourself in a position of offering apologies for small, perceived inconveniences paints you as a person who lacks confidence and self-worth.

“I'm guilty of saying 'I'm sorry' too much and need to work on it,” Blue Springs mom Cindy Hilton says.  “The word just flows out—it seems to be my go-to word too often. Because of that, I do feel it creates a negative reputation for me, almost making me seem weak and unable to do my job. If used correctly, it can have the opposite effect—shows someone is willing to admit their mistake.”

Setting reasonable expectations and practicing good time management can help you keep a clear conscience and not fall into the trap of offering too many apologies. Know your limits and don’t feel guilty about holding firm to those limits. Here are a few steps to get you started on overcoming the auto-apology:

Keep a log of how many times you apologize during the day. Pay attention to the patterns. When are you saying it and how often and why are you saying it?

Pay attention to the value you are placing on your words. When you overuse a phrase, even an apology, it can lose its value to those who are hearing it.

If you feel you need to offer a nicety for inconveniencing someone, try a ‘thank you’ rather than an apology. Extend thanks for the understanding and patience of others, rather than saying you are sorry for the circumstances.

Melissa Bellach is a freelance writer, journalist and mom living in Overland Park.