A Road Warrior’s Family Survival Guide

    A parent’s frequent and prolonged absences due to business travel can put enormous strain on a marriage and family unit as a whole. And such an arrangement is even more difficult when no extended family is nearby to help ease the burden. Laura Murphy, a certified parent coach and president of Kansas City-based Real Families, Inc., helps families all over the country work through parenting, marriage and financial issues. As an expert, a mother of three and the wife of a business traveler, Murphy shares hard-won survival tips for both the spouse left behind to hold down the fort and the road warrior. 

Make time for yourself. You may keep the home fires burning, but don’t burn down the house. Self-care is essential. Follow a healthy diet, exercise and get adequate sleep. “Just like on an airplane where they tell you that you must assist yourself before you can help the person next to you if the oxygen mask drops, we can’t help our kids until we help us,” Murphy says.

Plan evenings out with friends once in a while, engage in hobbies for personal fulfillment or relax with a favorite DVD or TV show after your children go to bed. “Instead of viewing it negatively that he is out of town, I enjoy the silence at nighttime after the kids go down and make it ‘me’ time,” says Sarah Roe, a Lenexa mom of two boys, ages 1 and 2. 

Attitude check! With every challenge concerning the children and the household falling to you, not to mention the demands of your job if you work, too, exhaustion and stress can quickly lead to anger and resentment toward your spouse. A little empathy and gratitude for each other’s contributions goes a long way toward reducing stress and anxiety. “Gratitude has a lot to do with attitude,” Murphy says. And, avoid topics that could fuel resentment, like what you each had for dinner. The last thing a parent who just ate a corndog for dinner wants to hear is a blow-by-blow account of the fabulous meal their partner enjoyed at a tony urban restaurant. 

Practice considerate, creative communication. Meaningful communication builds stronger relationships. Rediscover the lost art of love letters and tuck a thoughtful note into your partner’s suitcase. “Writing down how we feel about each other – we could all explore that a little more,” Murphy says. 

Actions communicate as much as words. If you are the one who travels, order a dinner delivered to your family one evening while you are away. “I knew of a soldier who went to Iraq and had flowers delivered every Friday for his wife,” Murphy says. “Showing thoughtfulness is so important. When parents do this, it’s a model for the kids that Daddy loves Mommy and Mom was thinking of Dad.” 

Help your spouse feel connected by sending him text messages, as well as picture messages of the family engaged in day-to-day activities. If your partner travels with a laptop, www.Skype.com is another valuable way to communicate – and it is a free service. Schedule a time for you and your spouse to talk each evening after your children go to bed and minus the distractions of the computer or TV. 

    Carrie Petruncola of Olathe travels two to five days a week for work. “It’s possible to have just as strong a family, if not stronger, than those who don’t have traveling spouses,” she says. She sends frequent text messages and uses a webcam to stay connected to her husband, 4-year-old daughter and infant son. She also leaves “I love you” notes throughout the house for her family to find. 

Need more ideas? Make a special phone call just to your child, speaking exclusively to her. If you will be gone for an extended amount of time, write a note on a hotel postcard and mail it right away so that your children receive it before you get home again. 

With a little ingenuity, turn your spouse’s travels into an education for your kids. Murphy taught her children geography by placing a pin on a large wall map showing their dad’s location on each trip. 

Send out an S.O.S. For parents with no family nearby, a support network among friends and neighbors is essential and can lessen feelings of isolation. If you need a break, hire a babysitter once in awhile or ask a close friend for help. If hired childcare isn’t an option, create babysitting co-ops with other parents in which you take turns caring for each other’s children. If nothing else, remember to “breathe before you respond to somebody. Think it through before you react,” Murphy says. 

Keep it simple. Combat mealtime havoc and assemble meals ahead of time or plan simple meals for the week. Plan an afternoon play date and early dinner with a friend to break up the week and enjoy adult conversation. Roe says she often takes advantage of “kids eat free” places when her husband travels. 

Regroup when your spouse gets home. When your partner returns home, make quality family time a priority. In addition to nurturing your marriage by planning date nights and time alone as a couple, plan family game or movie nights and have dinner together. 

Your partner should spend some one-on-one time with the children, too. Not only does this give you a break, it helps your spouse reconnect with the kids. “It doesn’t have to be a big production. It could be reading books at bedtime,” Murphy says. “Make a conscious effort to engage with your child. Create quality moments even if it’s just sitting by them, being silly together or engaging in their play.” 

    Most of all, “understand what fills you in a relationship,” Murphy says. “Advocate for yourself and give what the other person needs, too.” 

    For more information on communication in relationships, visit www.Real-Families.com or check out The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.

While her husband embarks on his work-related odysseys, Christa Hines holds down the fort with her two children in Olathe.