“Mommy! Mommy! Don’t goooooo!” your little one cries. He clings to your legs with ear-piercing screams. Your heart breaks as you try to unlock his death grip, assuring him he’ll be okay and you’ll be back. But he’s not buying it. He continues clinging, crying, and you suddenly feel like doing the same.
Sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone. Separation anxiety can rear its head almost overnight, and though the timing can vary from child to child, it typically begins around 8 months of age. While completely normal, it’s a stage that most parents would rather skip. But as part of a healthy development, experts say that most infants and toddlers exhibit at least one phase of it.
“Separation anxiety is the fear of being left by your parents,” says Amie Fisher, center director for a local early childhood learning center. “Babies and toddlers become very clingy to their parents or caregivers and usually cry uncontrollably.”
Experts say that separation anxiety and stranger anxiety go hand-in-hand with an intellectual skill called object permanence. Babies and toddlers remember objects and specific faces that are not present. If a toy drops, they’ll search for it. If you’re not in sight, they’ll soon figure out you’re missing. Forget the stranger. They want you.
Kansas City mom Tricia Petersen says that although her 8-month-old son, Owen, has been left with other caregivers since 2 months of age, he’s recently begun showing signs of separation anxiety.
“At home, he fusses when I leave the room. So, I let him fuss and just poke my head in every few minutes to let him know I’m still nearby,” she says. “I have a feeling it’ll get worse before it gets better.”
Babies and toddlers learn that people leave before they learn that they return. They can tell from your actions when you are about to leave, and that’s when anxiety sets in. They don’t know when – or if – you’ll come back.
This is why Fisher says it’s important for parents to explain to their child that they will be back to get them.
“Some parents just assume their toddler knows they’re coming back. It’s important to prepare him and let him know what’s coming up,” she says.
For instance, because a toddler doesn’t yet know what “three hours” means, try telling him, “I’ll be back after lunchtime.” Then do your best to return as promised.
“My 2-year-old son, Jayden, has been going to day care since he was 7 weeks old,” Kansas City mom Ashley Post says. “He’s fine at day care, but he doesn’t like going to the classroom at our church once a week. He cries and clings to my leg. He acts like I’ll never come back. It tugs at my heart.”
Fisher says toddlers especially don’t like being outside their normal working environment - it can trigger anxiety. While he may be used to one day care or one room at the day care, he may not like going to another because it’s different.
“We hope it calms down soon,” Post says. “We’re going to keep trying.”
The good news? There is an end to separation anxiety. It may last a few weeks or even a few months, but once your child realizes you’re not abandoning him, he’ll get over it. In the meantime, here are some helpful ways to survive:
Begin early. By 6 months, introduce your baby to other caregivers, such as babysitters, day care or even relatives. This may help minimize his anxiety later on when you aren’t around.
Keep it short. A quick goodbye is best. Prolonging the departure gives your child the idea that there’s something to be afraid of. And though it’s tough, don’t let the sobbing lure you back. It’ll only make things worse.
Watch your body language. Believe it or not, your child can sense your confidence as you leave. So, be sure to wave and smile so she knows you feel good about who she’s with.
Don’t be sneaky. In other words, don’t try to dash out the door when your child isn’t looking. Tricking your child can break his trust in you. Instead, ask your caregiver to redirect your child’s attention with a new toy or game before you say goodbye.
“A lot of times--85 to 95 percent of the time--the kids calm down after their parents drop them off,” Fisher says. “The key for parents is to understand that they are going to be okay.”
Kansas City mom Gina Klein is both a freelance writer and an author of fiction who is happy to say that her daughters have finally outgrown their separation anxiety.