No.
It can sound so negative.
The word can feel especially stifling to tired parents of young children who are battling to keep their kids happy and their relationships positive.
But we shouldn’t be weary, worried or deceived about this important word when training our kids.
Saying no—particularly a no we feel strongly about and that we enforce if challenged or defied, with naturally unpleasant consequences if necessary—is one of the most valuable lessons about love and life we can teach our children at a very young age.
And in our culture today, where personal rights and entitlement seem to out-value honoring one another, the need to discuss respecting no is critically appropriate.
To be clear, before a child starts to obey the demands and expectations of parents, experiencing the consistent unconditional love of a parent is the first and foremost foundation for healthy development. And just as critical to children is knowing they will be heard and acknowledged when they have feelings they need to share.
When children believe they are worthy of unconditional love and can safely express themselves, healthy, strong roots will be established. When you care about kids’ opinions and desires, and when they experience your empathy, their confidence and sense of self and well-being will spring forth, growing a healthy person both relationally and emotionally.
Naturally, loving parents want to—and should—give plenty of yes’s and bless their children, granting the desires of their hearts often and when appropriate. You can’t grow to love others and receive love in meaningful, healthy ways if you question your own value and worth. Without that foundation, the ability to love oneself and others will become difficult.
In addition to showing love by granting gifts and wishes to their children, wise parents grow confident and successful children by continually giving instructions on what is expected. If we merely say “No, no, no,” all day long, children feel ricocheted. Clear instructions for young children include phrases like this: Pet the cat gently, please. Use kind words. Walk inside the house. That chair is for sitting, not jumping. Sit in the middle of your seat with your knees under the kitchen table, please. Stop and look at Daddy when I am speaking to you, please.
So children need to learn and respect no with the continual understanding of what is expected, all while firmly planted in love. I remember how easy it was to love my own young children, but saying and sticking to my no was always so much harder! Yet the fruit of this parenting labor—namely, giving kids the regular opportunity to practice respectful acceptance and adherence to given boundaries—not only benefits them, but will also bless their relationships and the society they eventually enter.
Aside from the clear fact that loving guidance from parents and teachers keeps children safe and healthy, when children first learn to respect a firm no, they learn to love their neighbors as themselves.
Here’s why:
1. Learning to respect a no teaches humility and selflessness. It helps children know that other people’s interests and needs are as important as theirs. And, sometimes, they don’t even need to know the reason for the no.
2. In a school setting, when children are accustomed to responding respectfully to the rules and authorities in charge, teachers spend less time correcting behavior. This makes time and room for more learning, better listening and relationship building, less distraction and more fun.
3. Learning to happily reply to a no helps children cope with and be prepared for inevitable disappointments in a real world and understand that the world will eventually no longer revolve around them. Adults understand that living and working with self-centered or narcissistic people is not fun. Friendships and relationships thrive and produce more enjoyment when all parties give and receive in a selfless, cooperative manner.
4. Accepting and facing no’s diminishes entitlement and greed. It can stop fueling our desire for instant gratification. It makes way for growing in contentment, peace and patience—not to mention gratitude for the yes’s we do have and greater celebration over the yes’s still to come! Developing steadfast character, joy and strength and fostering gratefulness are truly what each of us need not only to weather the trials and uncertainties of our own lives, but to shine in a world that will always need love, light and hope.
5. Respecting the no of others honors the personalities, property and even bodies of other people. This demonstrates love to the one setting the boundary. When we parents don’t enforce a no, we teach children that it’s okay to trample on others’ boundaries and that people don’t fully mean no when they say no.
On the critical flipside, children should also learn to communicate and advocate for their own boundaries. An authority does not have the right take advantage of or stomp on the boundaries of those weaker than they simply because they are in charge.
How children are touched, who they would like to hug (or not), what they like to eat or which toys, clothing or colors they prefer or sport they’d like to try are simple ways children can communicate their own desires and boundaries. Of course, this doesn’t mean they get to choose candy and chips for every meal or to wear no coat when it’s 15 degrees.
Children must learn to make healthy choices from the wise options their parents are already setting before them. As this process of providing parent preselected choices continues to expand, kids should gradually be released to make their own choices and fly the nest that once nurtured them … at an appropriate age. Bottom line—no matter how frivolous or silly our boundaries may seem to others, we feel loved and honored when people humbly respect them.
Almost every egregious wrong or offense against humanity and every destroyed relationship can be traced back to someone’s not respecting the no, namely the boundaries, needs or desires, of another.
Alicia Mock is from Overland Park and has a colorful background with experience as a professional singer, actress, elementary teacher and homeschooling mom.