How many times do I have to tell you to put your socks on? What did I just ask you to do? Didn’t I say to be home by 5? If these phrases, and many other similar ones, sound vaguely familiar, you are not alone! Many people use the words hearing and listening interchangeably. However, these two words actually have completely different meanings. According to PsychologyToday.com, hearing is “a passive, physical act that requires one sense and has to do with the perception of sound, while listening revolves around actively paying attention to the words and sounds you hear to absorb their meaning and develop an emotional response.” Hearing is involuntary, like blinking, and happens whether you want it to or not. Listening is voluntary, and you can choose whether or not you want to do it. It is possible for your child (or spouse!) to hear your voice but not listen to what you are communicating. The good news is just because your child has poor listening skills, doesn’t mean you can’t do anything about it. Now, your spouse? I can’t help with that.
Model
As simple as it sounds, our children, no matter their age, learn a lot by watching us, so model appropriately what good, active listening looks like. This means, first and foremost, put down your device. Make eye contact and use body language that shows you are listening. Use words and comments that indicate interest and care as well. I am just as guilty as the next mom of muttering an absent-minded “uh-huh” or “oh, really” that couldn’t sound more uninterested. But it is important we listen to the little things, because one day, there will be big things.
Attention
Make sure you have your child’s attention before speaking to him. If you are trying to shout from the other room while the kids are watching TV or playing a game (guilty!), you can bet they aren’t listening to you. Say their names, have them look at you, and even get down on their level. Making physical contact with a hand on the shoulder or back is another great way to gently get their attention.
Voice
If you find listening is difficult for your child, try lowering your voice. Our natural tendency is to raise our voice to say it louder, but remember, your child hears you. Consider whispering to your child so she has to listen more closely. It might be a good idea to ask her to repeat what you have said, as well, to ensure understanding.
Timing
Timing can be everything. No one likes to be interrupted in the middle of an activity. Caroline Danda, licensed psychologist, says, “Help them find a stopping place in their activity before trying to give a direction.” This will help decrease frustration for both parties!Play games
For younger children, games like Red Light, Green Light, Telephone and Simon Says are great listening activities. For older children, cooking together or playing a more complex version of Simon Says can help develop these skills too. And for any age child, reading together and chatting about the story or chapter will help improve listening skills.
Conversation
Have real conversations with your children. Conversations require active listening and are a great real world application. Dr. Danda shares, “The best conversations often happen in the context of shared activities, especially ones that are rhythmic in nature, such as shooting hoops, coloring or cooking, because they support calming the nervous system. Likewise, conversations about difficult or uncomfortable topics often go better without eye contact. These are the conversations that happen at bedtime, in the car while driving around or while doodling. Kids will be more engaged if you continue to validate and paraphrase what they say before adding on to the conversation.”
Children’s becoming better listeners is a process, so don’t expect immediate change overnight. But with patience, continued practice and good modeling, your child will be on the road to success!
Julie Collett is a mom to four wonderful little humans who are always working to fine-tune their listening skills!
Sidebar:
Need more listening games?
For younger children …
*Try going on a sound scavenger hunt while you are out on a walk.
*Play varieties of music and have your child listen for certain instruments.
*Have your children close their eyes and “Guess My Sound” while you make sounds with different objects.
If you have older children …
*Do a blindfold obstacle course where they have to listen to a friend give them directions about where to go.
*Have a friend give short, simple directions while the other kids draw what they hear.