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Buddy Bonds

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There are defining moments in every parent’s life, such as when your baby gets hurt for the first time. Or the moment you watch your toddler take his or her first steps. You hold back with bated breath, trying to gauge whether to jump in or not. The gut instinct is typically to save, though most situations don’t actually warrant it. This tension also comes into play the day your little one becomes old enough to begin making friends.

Venturing into friendships can be such a difficult step, both for parents and child. Naturally, you want your little one to be well liked and have an easy time forming friendships. Obviously, parents can’t force other children to be good to our own, so we recede back to the sidelines and wait once more. How can we help our kids be successful at making friends without actually interfering too much? More importantly, how do we navigate the occasional rejection?

Let’s begin with the basics. Why do children need friends? According to the article “Do Kids Need Friends” on Education.com, “Friendships provide a training ground for trying out different ways of relating to one another. They learn how to set up rules, how to weigh alternatives and make decisions when faced with dilemmas. They experience fear, anger, aggression and rejection. They learn how to win, how to lose, what's appropriate, what's not. They learn that different people and different situations call for different behaviors and they come to understand the viewpoints of other people. Through friendships and belonging to a group, children improve their sense of self-esteem. The solace and support of friends help children cope with troubling times and through transition times moving up to a new school, entering adolescence, dealing with family stresses, facing disappointments. They are a necessity for healthy psychological development.”

Here are a few simple guidelines to set children up for success:

Manage your expectations. In order to better understand how children learn to interact with others in a social setting, we must first recognize the average social maturation process. American sociologist Mildred Parten has identified six progressive stages of play in children ages 2 to 5.

As your child gets older, her focus will typically shift away from solitary activities and more toward group activities. As you better understand how children develop socially, you have a better set of expectations. In other words, if your 3-year-old doesn’t seem interested in making friends just yet, don’t try to force play dates. It won’t be fun for you or for her.

Talk through it. Annie Seal, local child life specialist and mom of two, advises practicing social scripts. “If your child is shy, for example, you can help him practice approaching and introducing himself to others, as well as asking others to play.” Role playing through different types of social situations can ease your child’s anxiety and allow him to be more confident in any setting.

Be a role model. “One of the best things we can do as parents is model how to be a good friend. Our children look to us to learn so many societal queues, and friendship is no different,” Seal points out. We also should emphasize the importance of being kind to everyone.

Tonganoxie mom of three Jessica Clark says, “Kindness is something we always incorporate. If you see someone that is sad, try to make him feel better. If someone needs help, then try to help him. It’s a great philosophy for life, no matter how old you are!” When our children see us practicing kindness, displaying confidence in social settings and forming strong bonds with others, they too will seek to mirror those actions and incorporate them into their behavior.

Get involved. Allow your child to participate in extracurricular activities. Ask for feedback on things she is interested in signing up for such as sports, after-school clubs, band or community outreach programs. Through these activities, she will find others who share similar interests and form friendships.

Navigate rejection. Seal says both her sons have felt left out and hurt at times. “We discuss the feeling surrounding the situation and analyze it to see whether there was anything they could have done differently. Oftentimes there isn’t, so at that point, it becomes more about what we can and cannot control and how we choose to respond,” she says. “The situation is then used as a lesson in how they should treat others so they do not create hurt feelings for someone else. After their emotions have been validated, we switch to another activity of enjoyment to provide some diversion from the incident. It always helps to move on to something positive.”

It may be difficult to watch your children navigate the intricacies of friendship. As they grow and move through childhood and adolescence, they will have both positive and negative experiences. As parents, we can only provide a little wisdom and be there to support them as they grow and learn. With these valuable tools, they can build bonds that last a lifetime.

 

Jennifer Bosse is a former KC mom now living on the East Coast with her husband and two sons. She enjoys teaching her boys life lessons, including how to be a good friend.

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