Coping with Change

Change is hard for everyone.  Children thrive on routine, and adjusting to change can be especially difficult for them. Yet changes are a common part of life. Some necessary changes young children face include transitioning from a crib to a big kid bed, giving up a security item and leaving  parents’ side to go to an activity or school. Bigger life changes may include adding a new baby to the family, handling a divorce, becoming a blended family, losing a family member or pet or moving to a new house and/or school.

Personally, I try to prep my children for changes by talking a lot about upcoming events beforehand. I also find that my kids absorb a lot of information through my reading children’s books to them. Books really help to relay messages we are trying to convey and make some points we may not think of on our own. I try to focus on the positives of the event but also make sure to address any issues that may arise and what will be expected of them during this time.

A change in daily activities is a lesson young children must become accustomed to early on. They need to learn how to cope with an activity’s changing or ending, such as when it is time to stop playing and get ready to leave the house, a playdate or the playground. When we are at a special place like a playground, I give the kids a few minutes’ warning that it’s almost time to leave and then ask that they choose one last thing to do before we need to go. They always seem to enjoy having some control over getting to choose their last activity.

As for bigger life changes, Lauren Greenlee, Olathe mother of three, says, “There’s only so much you can do. I think they need to acclimate to their new normal. Talking about what’s to come can help, but I think kids need grace extended to them when they’re coming to terms with a large life change. Change means adjusting, and kids need time to do just that.”

Kayci Shroeder, Olathe mother of two, reminds us as parents that change is hard no matter your age. “Having moved six times in the past five years you’d think I could come up with something good. We try to only refer to our moves in a positive light, even though, as adults, it’s emotionally hard for us as well.”

An article on MissouriFamilies.org agrees, saying, “Children and adults all need time to adjust to change. Even though we know some ways to help children adjust to changes in their lives, it still takes time.”  The article goes on to say that “for most children who have had changes in their family situations, adjustment time can last two or three years. During this time, children must try to accept the fact that their family really has changed. Along with any changes in family situations, there may also be changes in your child’s neighborhood, schools and friendships. With more changes comes more time to adjust.”

Experiencing the death of a pet, family member or friend are also major changes a child may have to face at a young age. According to KidsHealth.org, “As you would with any tough issue, try to gauge how much information kids need to hear based on their age, maturity level and life experience.”  However, it’s important to stick to the truth and not mislead your child. This may be an opportunity to “draw on your own understanding of death, including, if relevant, the viewpoint of your faith. And since none of us knows fully, an honest ‘I don't know’ certainly can be an appropriate answer.”

Death can be a hard thing to face for anyone. Being open about your own feelings, talking about your feelings and crying are all ways to show your children that it’s okay to feel sad, angry or confused. Letting children know they are not alone in their feelings and that eventually the sadness will go away can be comforting. It may also be helpful to remind children of the happy memories of a person or pet in a special way, such as writing down these happy memories and stories or making a special photo album about them.

Listening to any questions or concerns your children may have, validating your child’s feelings and walking him through what his future may look like are also important. Children need reassurance that no matter the changes that lie ahead of them, they will always be loved, cared for and that things will be okay even if they are hard at first. This includes reassuring young children that the park will still be there to come back to for play at another time, as well as for bigger changes like always being loved and taken care of even if a separation or death takes place.

If your family is experiencing a big change, the article on MissouriFamilies.org also offers hope that “some children are also better at handling stress. Since they were able to make adjustments as kids, they will be more able to deal with changes in the future.”  With any change, big or small, we need to simply remember “that children need love, and they need to know there are rules and limits.”

If your family is facing a difficult change, please talk with your pediatrician or contact a local church for any possible counseling services they may offer or refer you to.

Discussion Questions 

Ask the following questions when you talk with children about changes in their family. MissouriFamilies.org

 

• Who are your good friends and why are they important to you?
• Families are always changing. Name some of the changes that have happened in your family. How do you feel about them?
• Do you expect any changes in your family in the future? What are they? How do you feel about them?
• Some kids don’t see one of their parents very much. Has this ever happened to you? How did you feel? What did you do?
• Sometimes changes in our families make us feel closer to others. What makes you feel good about your family?

Stephanie Loux writes from Olathe and is preparing her two preschoolers for the upcoming arrival of their new sibling.