Crying "Bully"

Little Suzie comes home from school, tears streaming down her face. Mom is concerned and asks what's wrong. Suzie replies, "I didn't get asked to go to my friend Sarah's birthday party next weekend and almost everyone else did. I'm being bullied!"

Over the last few years, there has been a vast metamorphosis in the word "bully." A term that used to explain a relatively rare situation has seemingly been downgraded to describe any type of emotional discomfort a child may experience from his peers. Tune into any reality TV program and it won't take long to hear the phrase "bully" crop up between a few catty housewives or disgruntled teenagers. So if the word for this type of activity has lost its gravitas, who do we believe when it's used?

First and foremost, we must understand what bullying is. According to www.StopBullying.org, bullying is defined as "unwanted, aggressive behavior among school-aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance."

As definitions go, this one may seem vague. After all, who in their life won't at some point experience some sort of aggressive intimidation from a peer? Isn't that part of growing up? To clear the murkiness, the definition also includes two key qualifiers that help to differentiate between bullying and a simple argument.

1. Repetition

In our example earlier, Sarah's failure to include Suzie in a birthday caused hurt feelings for Suzie. But hurt feelings do not equal bullying. Sarah hasn't consistently harmed Suzie in an attempt to intimidate her. Had Suzie been left out of the invitation, then ridiculed for it by Sarah over and over again, then bullying would have occurred.

2. Imbalance of power.

Bullying is a forced way to exert control. Imbalance of power is generally found in size, social status (popularity) and physical or psychological strength.

Though these two qualifiers can help in identifying a bully, there is always room for interpretation. To complicate things further, bullying is no longer limited to a big kid on the playground stealing a smaller kid's lunch money. The danger today is in the smaller, sneakier types of attacks that have taken bullying to a brand new level.

Cyber Bullying vs. Name Calling

Unlike the playground variety, cyber/text bullying occurs via cell phones or computers. Because bullies don't have to say the words to their victim face-to-face, the bullies become more audacious, hiding behind the anonymity. In addition, it's easier for the bully to find "helpers" to participate, because those helpers can also stay anonymous. So what's the difference between cyber bullying and name calling, and how can parents spot the difference?

Let's go back to Suzie and Sarah. Sarah is now in middle school and finds out Suzie flirted with a boy she likes. They have an argument, and Sarah texts Suzie that she is a dork and a loser.  The fight lasts several days, with Sarah and Suzie each texting mean comments back and forth to one another. Is this bullying? Probably not. There is no imbalance of power, as Sarah and Suzie are in the same level of popularity and neither girl is attempting to gain control of the other by exerting her strength. This is a prime example of name calling and arguing, and though it isn't pleasant, it hasn't crossed over into bullying.

Now let's say Suzie and Sarah's fight doesn't end, but instead grows worse. Eventually Sarah and another girl get together to create a Facebook page called "Suzie Is a Dork" and invite friends to join in. On the page, they make up rumors about Suzie, call her names and threaten to hurt her.  This is cyber bullying. Sarah now has other friends involved, creating an imbalance of power over Suzie. The Facebook page demeans Suzie's character publicly. It is suspected that these types of intense cyber bully attacks are a contributing factor to suicides among young people. According to www.BullyStatistics.org, bully victims are between two and nine times more likely to consider suicide than non-victims. And those aren't numbers to ignore.

By the numbers

According to the Stop Bullying Now Foundation, 160,000 students miss school each day as a result of being bullied, and one out of five students admit to being a bully or participating in some form of bullying. With statistics like that, it is vitally important to stay involved in your child's life. If your child is the victim of bullying, it is very likely he or she will try to hide it, for fear of further backlash from the aggressor.

Use your head

Though bullying is more common than we would like, it is still key for parents to keep a level head where bullying is concerned. Is what your child is experiencing really bullying, or have her feelings just been hurt? Crying "bully" is a serious allegation, and children may use the term loosely without understanding its true meaning. Analyze and use good judgment to decipher what's really going on. On the flip side of the coin, be on the lookout for signs that your child may be the one doing the bullying. The only way to prevent and stop bullying is to stop it as soon as it starts. Information, communication and common sense go a lot farther than silence.

Kim Antisdel is a writer, interior designer and sales rep. Her favorite place to write is curled up on the couch with her two rescue cats and two rescue dachshunds fighting for a spot on her lap.