Helping Kids Navigate Tough Friendships

I can still remember vividly a day when I was about 9 years old and I entered the living room, completely caught off guard by my mom’s unusual countenance. She was looking out the window, still as a statue. Warm sunshine flooded the room, yet her eyes met a dreary scene, causing her delicate shoulders to droop. A tear careened down her cheek. She quickly wiped it away to hide evidence of being upset when she noticed she was no longer alone.

Perplexed, I walked up beside her to see what was the matter. It took only a second to find the source of heartbreak. On our long driveway, a handful of neighbor boys recklessly careened my brother’s bikes and scooters over a homemade ramp my dad recently had made. This was yet another time my younger brother had offered to share his outdoor toys, hoping to make some friends in the neighborhood to which we had recently moved. Sadly, while his Huffy and Radio Flyer were hot commodities, he found himself resigned to the curb while the crew blazed around him, only to then race off down the block with his gear.

His mutterings were inaudible from indoors, but it was obvious he requested they come back and include him in the fun. When the boys finally did return, they threw the bikes in the yard and ran off together, leaving my brother alone to clean up the mess. How my mom later handled the situation I don’t recall, but as a mom of three boys myself, I now look upon that experience with new eyes. I see how my mom grieved to see my brother hurt by others. The desire to fix the problem yet not to overbear were at war with one another, immobilizing her racing mama’s heart.

No parent wants to see her child suffer. We aim to protect, nurture and shelter our children from pain. It’s why we rush to retrieve Neosporin and Band-Aids at the first sight of a small cut or scrape and run to the rescue at the sight of a more serious injury.  But a hurting heart? No tool in the medicine cabinet is able to cure that.

Be quick to listen, slow to speak

The natural instinct most parents have when they discover their child has been hurt by another is to automatically try to fix things themselves. While some situations may require immediate intervention, many do not—and even may be compromised by our meddling. Julie Metzger, co-founder of Great Conversations (a forum providing courses on topics such as parenting, puberty and friendship), says children between third and fifth grades are developing their primary relationships and with them, the term “best friend” begins to take on a life of its own. “Those friendships are your own choice for the first time; your parents haven’t done this work for you. There is an opportunity to be disappointed and hurt,” she says.

Around this age, children also begin to form their identity and will gravitate toward friends with varying personalities to confirm it. NYU professor of child and adolescent psychiatry Kristin Cullen Sharma, PsD, explains that experiences with all kinds of people will establish a child’s identity and clarify the kind of person he wants to become. It’s a very normal reaction, then, when a friend gets mad that another friend is hanging out with someone else. Some kids are quick to unload their frustrations and hurt onto their parents, while others may choose to withhold or simply blow up later. Regardless of your child’s tendencies, one of the most important things you can do is listen. Bethany Juhl affirms this, both as a mom of three and a student counselor within the St. Joseph School District. “Friendships become increasingly important during childhood and can influence a child's behavior and attitude,” Juhl says. “Children respond better and tend to make a more positive choice when they feel like they are heard, understood and gently guided to make a positive choice. As a school counselor, I help students solve their interpersonal dilemmas not by telling them what I think they should do, but by asking them questions and helping them find a solution to their problem.”

Who, What, Where, When, Why?

Asking the right questions is key. Part of helping children navigate the bumpy roads of relational strife is allowing them to process solutions, even if they might not be the ones you would choose. Questions like, “What have you tried?”, “What was the result?” and “What else could you do?” help children view themselves as participants in conflict resolution instead of depending on Mom and Dad to win their battles for them.

Model Being a Good Friend

Don’t underestimate your role in the process. One of the great disservices we do to our children is to make their relational problems seem small, implying that friendships will be smooth sailing in adulthood. The reality is relationships are hard work and all require time and energy to thrive, no matter how old you are. The best way we can teach our children how to handle tough friendships is to model being a good friend ourselves. When you argue with another adult, display kindness, graciousness and forgiveness. Show your child that more than likely, friendships are worth fighting for, not ending over petty disagreements.

Define Forgiveness

Kids need to know that being quick to forgive has more to do with themselves than the other person. Too often forgiveness is confused as passivity. Forbidding bitterness to take root doesn’t mean healthy boundaries can’t be laid. In the event a child’s friend continues in harmful behavior or contrary values, it may be necessary for him to walk away from the relationship. But children are freed from destructive emotions when they know how to healthfully release anger and extend grace to those who have hurt them.

Lauren Greenlee is a freelance writer and mom of three from Olathe.