What Kids Need Most When They Misbehave
When it comes to correcting a child’s behavior, it’s important that love be a driving force for that instruction, but it’s certainly not easy in the heat of the moment, is it? Here are some ways to diffuse situations with your own children, showing them that the boundaries you are providing are for their good and the good of everyone else.
Discipline or Punishment? According to Focus on the Family, the purpose of punishment is to inflict a penalty for an offense, whereas discipline is the act of training children for correction and maturity. Merely punishing a child is reactionary, focusing on past offenses, whereas discipline is forward-looking, seeking ways to train and develop good character. Discipline requires consequences, but ultimately comes from a heart of love and concern on the behalf of a parent, not retaliation. Discipline seeks out the best in a child, wanting him to grow and mature and ultimately become self-disciplined.
When to Train. Do you take advice well when you’re frustrated? More than likely you don’t, and neither do your kids! The best moments to instruct are times of non-conflict, not in the heat of the moment. If your child has a problem with running away from you in public, the time to train is not in a busy parking lot, but rather at home. Set a timer and make a game out of seeing how quickly your kids can come to you from one end of the house to another. Start with calling them loudly and then get softer and softer.
Take One for the Team. Part of training often requires personal sacrifice. If the consequence for bad behavior at a friend’s house or restaurant warrants going home, that means you may miss out on a good conversation or a nice meal, but in the long run it lets your child know that you mean what you say and you say what you mean.
Consistency. A lot of times children act out to test where the boundaries lie, either because they’re curious to see whether you will be consistent in your response to repeated bad behavior or to see whether you and your spouse vary in how you handle their wrongdoing. Work together as a united front. If in doubt, write a family chart that displays what the consequences are for bad behavior so there’s no question how your family handles certain behavior.
Give Yourself a Time Out. If you find yourself frustrated with your child to the point that you can’t think in a levelheaded way, give yourself a time out. By allowing yourself time to calm down, you de-escalate the situation, providing an opportunity to respond to your child in love, rather than out of anger.
Provide Options. Not everything needs to be a battle. Getting dressed may be non-negotiable, but allowing your child to choose between the red shirt and the green shirt leaves him feeling empowered, while still submitting to your request. Discipline empowers children to grow in their ability to make good decisions independently. It does not control every decision of their lives, as that handicaps them from making choices on their own with confidence.
Set an Example. You know what they say: more is caught than taught. So be the type of person you want your child to become. When you make a mistake as a parent, apologize. Demonstrating humility, maturity and selflessness is much more effective than merely discussing those concepts in theory.
Lauren Greenlee doles out hugs, kisses and consequences to her three rambunctious little cuties. She and her family reside in Olathe.