Going Overboard: When parents help too much

Parents want their child to be successful and supported, and sometimes this results in over-parenting. “There are several ways parents might over-parent without realizing they are actually doing so,” says Kimberly Levitan, Kansas City area clinical social worker, registered play therapist and owner of Playful Solutions LLC.

Levitan notes that parents may overschedule, overprotect or assist to avoid hurt or failure, or overstimulate to avoid boredom.

Theresa Alcazar, Kansas City area mother of two, understands the struggle to find the parenting balance. “I left a corporate job to become a stay-at-home mother and so I approached motherhood thinking my job was to do everything I could for my family, even things they could—and should—do for themselves. So the biggest thing I’ve had to do to find the balance is to set boundaries for myself.”

Victoria Anderson, M.S., marriage and family therapist and co-founder of Water Street Family Counseling, notes that daily time limitations also can be a significant contributor to over-parenting. “It is not hard to end up rushed or overscheduled,” she says. “It sounded good when you signed up for these activities, but the reality can feel crushing at times, and I find myself tying my son’s shoes because I’m going to be late for work.”

Alcazar says, “If I’m in a hurry, I find myself caving and doing more things for my children and saying something like, ‘This is the last time I’m helping you with this, I swear!’ Then we both end up laughing while hustling out the door.”

In the daily rush, Anderson supports following your parental instincts and stepping in when it’s the best solution for the long game. “We (parents) have the responsibility to cut some things out just so we can thrive in our own day-to-day life. Stepping in and emptying the dishwasher for them isn’t going overboard in this case.” But she encourages parents to allow room for natural consequences when it’s appropriate. “If he forgot his homework and the night before he heard his parents fighting or he was up late at a practice and it wasn’t his fault, then bringing it to him is supportive. However, if he was not listening and defiantly refusing to go along with your encouragement to prepare for the next day…then bringing his homework, in that case, would be going overboard.”

And when the time and space is there, the best option is to leave room for children to learn responsibility and independence by doing things themselves.

“I think it’s important to help my kids develop their own individual independent thinking and also to learn from their own mistakes, so if I see them doubting themselves, I’ll communicate with them to encourage or motivate them to keep trying,” says Cortney Moreno, Kansas City area mother of two, ages 7 and 5.

Alcazar has made environmental changes to encourage independence, “One of my sons had a developmental delay, and basic things were extra work for him, such as zippers and tying shoes. So I made apparel choices that would make those tasks ones he could do on his own with success. I also put drinks and snacks in a lower cabinet to allow the kids to manage their own hunger needs.”

While giving children space will allow them to build capacity to handle things on their own, there will still be times when kids need their parents.

“Our children will need our guidance and there will be situations in which we have to make a choice for them (for safety or if they aren’t old enough to make the decision), but each situation should be assessed independently,” says Levitan. She adds that at times children will resist support, but that’s when parents need to let kids know they are available when the kids are ready.

Anderson agrees. “Let them experience a conversation with you where you just express your love, care and concern, without your pressuring them to share or answer or explain themselves. Sometimes it may not involve a conversation at all but simply an increase in your nurturing presence.”

Lastly, Anderson says parents should know they are good enough. “Our children would be just fine if we could give ourselves (and them) some breathing room. Chances are great that you are enough. You are irreplaceable to your child. Imperfections and all.”

Karah Chapman, is a school psychologist in the Kansas City area and encourages healthy boundaries and natural consequences.