Raising a Confident Child
As technology continues to rapidly shift and evolve, so do the demands of day-to-day interactions with the world and those around us. Social media and cell phones have become a permanent fixture, presenting a unique set of challenges regarding overall confidence levels, especially for our youth. Parenting in this new age is akin to sailing through uncharted waters, but there are some simple foundational rules we can work with to keep our kids on course.
First, we must look at how a child’s confidence is built. Annie Seal, a child life specialist and Kansas City mom of two, says, “A child’s confidence is built in many areas of life through family, home, peers, school, sports, etc. For example, in infancy, children build confidence by mastering developmental skills such as walking and self-feeding. How often have we seen infants or toddlers clap for themselves and flash smiles of pure pride? They look to those around them and read those social cues. As children grow and have more opportunities to be around others, they begin to build confidence in trying new things. Experiences build confidence.”
Now that we have a better understanding of how confidence is built, what ways can we help instill it? “Some children are intrinsically motivated, others are extrinsically, and of course, we can be a bit of both. This motivation can influence how a child tries new things. Having realistic expectations based on their developmental stage is helpful,” Seal says. “We want to challenge our kids, but at the same time, we don’t want to give them tasks that are unrealistic to achieve.”
A good example of this in action is allowing our children to make some age appropriate decisions. I used to ask my 3-year-old what he wanted for breakfast every morning. I learned quickly that leaving the question so open-ended meant that his interpretation was left open as well. He would decide on something, and I would negate it and offer something else, which often led to disappointment or frustration. Now, I provide two options like eggs and toast or cereal with a banana. This allows him some autonomy to build confidence in asserting himself, without completely overrunning everything.
According to Parents.com, not rescuing your child every time he or she faces an obstacle is another integral piece to building confidence. Kansas City mom Shanxi Omoniyi says, “One of the best ways confidence was instilled in me (and what I'm hoping to pass on) was by being coached rather than instructed. For instance, instead of doing my math problem for me, my mom would say something like, ‘I know you can do it.’ She’d ask questions about the problem, give me time to work on it on my own, etc.”
Being a role model for confidence is another way to instill the trait. Father of four Ryan O’Neal says, “I think it’s equally important for me to be confident. Kids learn from their parents. If we are timid, self-conscious and have low self-esteem, chances are they will too.” We have to “polish our mirror” as some psychologists say. This means speaking up, practicing good posture and taking on new things.
Our actions matter, but so do our words, Seal points out. “Obviously, being overly critical of them affects their confidence. Point out the positives even in the midst of challenge. All humans want and need validation, and kids are no different. Some children are also self-critical and perfectionistic, so as parents, caregivers and teachers, we need to promote behaviors that are self-supporting and non-judgmental. Again, validate what you see them doing well and acknowledge what they seem to struggle with.”
Above all, spending time with your children is the most crucial tool in helping build confidence. Focus on the quality you are giving them versus the quantity. Listen to your tone when interacting with them. Be mindful of negative body language. With all of the influences that our children are exposed to every day, we have to remember that we are the most important ones. With our support, our kids will eventually grow into confident adults.
Jennifer Bosse lives in Kansas City with her husband and two sons. She is working to make them confident young men.