Squash Sibling Squabbles

“Give me that back!”“It’s my turn!”“It’s not fair!”

Sound familiar? If so, it sounds like you, too, are in the throes of parenthood. As one of four sisters, and a mother of two, there’s one thing I know: Siblings argue. While bickering is simply part of growing up, there are ways to manage it to keep your own sanity and teach your children invaluable life lessons.

To find out the best way to handle the bickering, I looked to Dr. Gwen Landever, education department chair at the University of Saint Mary in Leavenworth, and a Leawood mom of two who has taught every age, from preschool to graduate students. Landever, one of the calmest, most rational parents I’ve ever known, has a slew of ideas to keep sibling arguments under control.

An Ounce of Prevention...

A little preparation can stop squabbles before they begin. “Kids like to know what to expect,” says Landever. “Our best defense for sibling squabbles is preparing the kids ahead of time for any big changes in routine. By talking it through and presenting behavior expectations—followed up by positive reinforcement if no fighting occurs—we’ve managed to ward off several arguments between the kids.”

In addition to preparing the kids, Landever and her husband, Alan, make sure each child feels special by planning one-on-one time with Mom or Dad. According to Landever, it stops the “it’s not fair!” syndrome when one child gets to go somewhere special, like a Royals game, and the other child isn’t invited.

Know When to Intervene and When to Let Be

One of the most difficult lessons I’ve learned is to take a step back from the squabbling sibs.

“For little arguments, I like to see if the kids can resolve it first without my intervening,” Landever says. “If they come to me for help, I ask them if they have tried to talk it out. If not, I ask them to go to a quiet area to discuss.”

Discussion time not working? Give each kid the opportunity to tell his or her side without interruption (by siblings or you!) to diffuse the argument. If necessary, you can even send them off to different parts of the house to write down their side of the argument. This quiet time can be good for calming heated tempers.

Of course, if an argument escalates into a physical fight, it’s time to separate. In addition to sending the offending child to his or her room to cool off, Landever suggests discussing with your kids alternate ways to manage anger and frustration—once they are calm.

The Calm After the Storm

Whether it is a physical fight or an annoying argument, if things get out of control between your kids, Landever suggests a debrief—once again, when everyone is calm. This provides a good opportunity to discuss how they handled the situation and what they could do differently next time.

“We have done this since the kids were in preschool, and it still works,” Landever says. “Most of the time, my kids play really well together and even miss each other when they aren’t together. During a debrief, I often remind them how much they like being together!”  

Get the Right Tools

Whatever happens between your kids, make sure to try different approaches. As my own mom reminds me, we’re all built a little differently, and there’s no one solution for all children. So arm yourself with these parenting tools and keep your eye on the wonderful payoff of discovering the solutions that work for you!

Jane Blumenthal Martin lives in Overland Park with her husband and two children. Read Jane's blog for working parents at www.ArtOfEqualParenting.com.