The Good, Bad and the Ugly

Secrets are a normal part of a child’s life and actually even can help foster an ability to problem solve and get out of sticky situations. Maybe a math grade has fallen below a C and the child works really hard to bring the grade up, with Mom and Dad never the wiser. Granted, these secrets aren’t ideal but, in the end, are relatively harmless. On the flip side, there are secrets that should never be kept from a parent, and it’s vitally important to let your kids know the difference between the two.

Child Abuse Prevention

According to the Child Welfare Information Gateway, there are several different types of child abuse for which parents should watch in their kids, as well as their children’s peers. Those that top the list are:

• Neglect
• Physical abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Emotional abuse

Unfortunately, the signs of these abuses may occur at a time when a child isn’t visible to a parent or family member who can recognize it. This is where children’s concealing information from adults can become a serious problem. Break down good secrets versus bad secrets with your children so they can soon tell the difference for themselves.

Good Secrets

 A “secrets” conversation early on is the best way to ensure kids know what to do when a situation presents itself. Start off with examples of good secrets to get the ball rolling.

Surprise. This is a secret in which another person will eventually find out something good in a positive way. Examples: birthday parties, special gifts, awards, etc. Reinforce that the secret won’t be kept forever; it’s just an added part of the excitement.

Overheard conversation. Children love to eavesdrop. Let your child know that if he hears something confidential between two adults (like a discussion regarding finances), it is not his place to repeat that information. One exception is if the child overhears something that would indicate danger to another person.

Safety secrets. Many times an adult will share with a child where an extra key is hidden in case of a lockout. Or a secret password may be shared with a child so he or she knows it’s okay to get a ride home with someone different than usual. Explain that these secrets are for the child’s well-being and protection and shouldn’t be repeated to friends or strangers.

Bad Secrets

As uncomfortable as it may be, a conversation about bad secrets is just as necessary as a discussion about those that are good. Some examples of bad secrets include:

Safety secrets. If a child knows that a secret could result in physical harm to someone else, it’s not a secret to keep. For example, it’s a bad secret when a friend wants to show your child his father’s gun or light firecrackers without adult supervision.

Touch secrets. According to TheUnderwearRule.org, about one in five children falls victim to abuse. The Underwear Rule emphasizes that a child should not be touched by others on any part of the body that is covered by underwear—nor should he or she touch others in those areas. In addition, if a child hears a secret about a friend or family member who has been touched in those areas, he should immediately share that with an adult.  

Unfortunately, there is a gray area with touching. A child may be hugged by an uncle or a family member and feel uncomfortable without really knowing why. Reinforce that your child’s body is his alone and he is in control of who touches it.

Gift secrets. While a present from a family member or a teacher as a reward for good behavior is acceptable, some gifts can lead to something more ominous. Explain that gifts like cookies or toys that come from strangers are not okay to accept, and an adult needs to be told if such gifts are offered.

Keep the conversation alive

Parents know all too well that sit-down discussions very rarely register in a child’s mind the first time around, so it’s important to stay diligent. Keep discussing the topic of secrets at various intervals so the information stays fresh in your child’s mind. You never know, your child may soon even take the initiative to talk about good secrets and bad secrets with friends and classmates.

Kim Antisdel is a freelance writer and interior design sales rep for Kansas City and surrounding areas. She lives in Liberty with her husband, two stepdaughters and small zoo of rescue animals.

Tips to Remember:

1)Create hypothetical scenarios in which your child gets to decide whether a secret is good or bad. This will help you know whether he truly understands what you’ve been saying.

2)Give your child a list of adults he can be comfortable confiding in, not just you and your spouse.

3)Toddlers are too young to differentiate between good secrets and bad. Don’t presume they can keep anything to themselves until they are a little bit older.