Tracking Teens: Limits or Liberty
When kids are younger,parents can be directors, butwhen they are teens, you aretheir manager.
There's no place like home, there's no place like home….
True, Dorothy, but home is the last place teens want to be. Freedom (in and away from home) is what they crave—and actually need. Therein lies the major challenge of parenting adolescents: deciding how much freedom to allow and when to grant it.
Today's parents have much to keep track of: friends, activities, schoolwork, homework, physical and emotional health, peer pressure, drug and alcohol use, driving, family relationships and the countless details that make up family life. Spread across all of these issues is the constantly changing world of digital technology.
Even though teenagers' desires remain largely the same as in previous generations, technology's widespread availability and its social nature has significantly changed the landscape in which teens operate. Lynn Schofield Clark, associate professor at the University of Denver and author of The Parent App, Understanding Families in the Digital Age, says, "Technologies both enable meaningful relationships even as they can … undermine our ability to maintain those meaningful relationships." Whether or not we like technology, we parents must understand it to develop meaningful relationships with our children, and to help them do the same.
So What's the Big Deal?
Second only to more freedom is trust. Teens want their parents to recognize that they are older and deserve more privileges—the less supervised, the better—and that requires trust. Perhaps, like most teens, your child wants more than you believe he can handle.
Family counselor Kara Thompson, Lenexa, offers several useful strategies.
- Lay your foundation early, before the teen years arrive. Set limits on when and where kids can go and with whom they can spend time. Hold them accountable to your guidelines. Start this when your children are young to reduce the decibel level in your house during their teen years.
- Check in: Talk to their friends' parents and know who is (and is not) going to attend an event. Make it clear that any privilege—going out or having a cell phone—is lost if your expectations are not met.
- Remember what it is like to be a teenager. As psychologist Michael Bradley explains, teens' brains are nearly exploding from new growth and a re-wiring process. The areas of the brain that control things like emotions, impulsivity and rational decision-making are in a constant state of flux, accounting for the "crazy" behavior associated with teens.
- Use empathy. This is critical, says Thompson. When parents empathize with their teen about an unpopular decision they have made, it makes room for an alternative. Expect the teen to argue, but maintaining a calm, supportive presence gains greater influence over your teen. Key word: Say "and" not "but."
- Strive for influence, not control. Be willing to give on some areas where you are comfortable with your teen’s having more freedom, but, in exchange, she must demonstrate behavior that earns her the new privilege and your trust.
Don't:
- Wait to start setting boundaries, says Thompson. This happens most often over unlimited cell phone use. Waiting to set limits until a mistake is made or high risk behavior starts leads to big arguments and a loss of trust. Greater levels of empathy will be required to smooth things over.
Are We Watching or Spying?
There are too many ways to track your teen's digital footprints and follow his tire tread marks to review here. However, before you launch an Internet search, stop and ask yourself why you are considering this.
Most parents are doing some level of digital monitoring; the Pew Internet Project reports that nearly 60 percent of parents whose children use social networks have discussed concerns with profiles and postings. It seems managing our children's technology use has become part of being a "good parent."
Media professor Lynn Schofield Clark and others such as Kuae Kelch Mattox, president of Mocha Moms Inc., caution against buying into the growing market of "parent apps." Thompson agrees. "Monitoring technology is okay, if you set the precedent that the Internet and texting are not private. Discuss [Internet] safety with your children; then if you see unsafe behavior, you can snoop."
Now, if we can figure out what to do about tattoos and multiple piercings!
Kathy Stump writes from her home in Parkville where two teenagers compete for their fair share of freedom.
Too Much or Not Enough?
Evaluate your teen's level of freedom.
- Does your family have age appropriate limits set for your children? Are the "house rules" set and consistently enforced?
- Are you modeling appropriate behavior for your teens, or do you regularly change plans without adequate notice or good reason?
- Take media breaks and pass that practice along to your children.
- If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. On social media—ask your teens to show you how it works. It's another opportunity to discuss safe online behavior.
- How do we show that you love and trust our teens? Do you spend more time arguing than listening?
Technology and Teens:
The Parent App: Understanding Families in the Digital Age by Lynn Schofield Clark Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy! by Michael L. Bradley Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? by Anthony E. Wolf
On the Web: