Unhelpful Things Parents Say
We’ve all been there: Our kid is upset or worried, and we try to give advice to help. But when trying to help our child feel better, we may accidentally say things that cause more harm than good in the long run. Taking the time to think about a better reply is hard sometimes, but better for our children.
Don’t worry; everything will be fine!
Everyone says this, but in reality, everything might not be fine, and there might be cause to worry. While it can be easy to just say “Don’t worry,” getting to the root of the problem is a better idea, because then you can address the underlying problem at hand.
“You might say, ‘I know you're nervous/scared, and I understand. How can I help you feel better?’ Then talk through different scenarios or talk them through the situation or the day,” Ronna Sparks Woodward, Liberty mother of two, says. “For example, if your child is going to have surgery, let him or her know the process of check-in, IV, etc.”
Once the underlying problem is established, then “don’t worry” can really happen for the child.
“When my children start to worry, I encourage them to pray about it. If there is something specific that they are worried about, then I go through the worst scenario with them,” Amanda Jensen, Kearney mother of three, says.
Stop being so shy and try to be more outgoing.
Especially to an outgoing parent, a child’s being shy or uncertain in a situation can be frustrating. It’s easy to tell her to stop being shy, when she might just need encouragement.
“You might say, ‘Let's talk through different ways that you can approach people.’ Or ‘Is there something that bothers you about what's going on that makes you feel like you can't talk to people?’” Sparks Woodward says. “Some kids are just naturally shy, and if parents push and force them out of their comfort zone, it can be harmful.”
Pushing a child to be overly friendly when that’s not her personality can actually be harmful for a child. Working to help the child learn strategies to help the shyness is better than harping on her to stop being shy.
You'll do better next time.
Maybe it’s an F on a test or a strikeout with bases loaded, and we respond with an encouragement that they’ll do better the next time. But what if they don’t? Kids need to learn from their mistakes in order to improve and truly do better the next time.
“Sit down with the child and say, ‘Let's talk through what happened and why it didn't go as well as you hoped. Did you do your best/try your hardest? What happened? Why do you think that it ended up that way? Let's figure out what happened and how it can go better next time,’” Sparks Woodward says. “That way, they can learn from their mistakes to fix what happened.”
Learning from their mistakes is important if they want to do better the next time. If they keep repeating the behavior, they won’t see any improvement. “We might say, ‘No one expects you to know how to do it all the first time. You are just learning,’” Jensen says. “‘We keep learning.’”
Jennifer Higgins is a freelance writer, teacher and mother from Kearney.